Choosing Joy for Your Wedding

Trust + Cooperation

2008-06-06T08:37:00.004-07:00

So, let’s look at Rog’s and mine first dream “...the peace of full two-way trust and cooperation with everyone in our lives.”

This dream came about as the result of us looking at our relationships past and current, individually and as a couple.

That’s all fine and dandy, but the very first relationship to look at in this way is the one between you and the one you’ve chosen to be your spouse. Does the bride trust her groom? Does the groom trust his bride?

Trust is defined as “the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; one in which confidence is placed.” [www.merriam-webster.com]

Because of who Rog is, I trust him, so when we talk, I feel I’m being heard, respected, and loved. Herein lies peace. This trust has and continues to deepen over time and provides hope that all my relationships can carry this trust and hence, this peace.

What about cooperation? I’m talking about working as a team, giving and taking, discussing each partner’s ideas and feelings with the mutual benefit of the coupleship in mind. What better experience to employ cooperation and teamwork than in planning a wedding, your wedding, both of yours! This day is not just the bride’s day (contrary to what you usually hear). Two people are making a commitment on this occasion and to have a joyful, love-filled time. When both of you share in the work, the fun, the meaning of it all, you are laying a foundation for your marriage. You are discovering one another’s strengths, fears, passions, and building teamwork along the way. There is peace here too.

Two-way trust + cooperation = peace. Starting with our coupleship and moving into all of our relationships.

Couple Dreaming

2008-06-02T10:19:00.001-07:00

When we were planning our wedding, we created a vision, a dream, of what we wanted our event to be like, knowing that it would also serve as a foundation for our marriage.

It is now more than three joyful years later, and Rog and I recently created our vision, our dream of what we want our world to be like.

“We impose our dream into the world with absolute certainty.

“We dream...

... the peace of full two-way trust and cooperation with everyone in our lives.

... nurturing and inspiration from the love in our personal relationships.

... abundant resources always circulate through us under grace in a perfect way.

... we are consciously swimming in God always.

... we each function as a perfect, unified whole.

... we manifest our heart’s desire, which is our highest and best good, instantly.

... our love impacts others in powerful ways.

... we clear weight of obligations of the past.

... we live lightly.”

Pretty awesome.

But even more awesome is that every morning at 6:30am you’ll find us sipping coffee in our cozy living room, affirming our dream together out loud and then, through intuition, choosing one aspect of our couple dream to ruminate on and talk about.

It’s a lot of fun, but more importantly, we draw closer and closer to one another and to Spirit, and deeper and deeper into being who we truly are, individually as well as a couple. By bringing to and keeping this dream in our consciousness, we are creating it, day by day.

What’s your couple dream?

Whoosh, A Year Just Went By

2008-02-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

I’m sure a lot happened in the past year – it must have if not even one blog got written!

It’s a good time to get rolling again – tomorrow is our third wedding anniversary!

As I sit here at the computer, I look often at our wedding picture on my desk. We both look pretty much the same, although you won’t catch us wearing those funny costumes.

But looks are often deceiving. Even physically we’re not the same. We’ve replaced all of our individual cells with new ones, some of which have changed color and shifted around a bit.

We’ve had a wonderful year together. We survived winding down a business, recovered financially, and invented a positive future together. We’ve made a lot of terrific new friends. Two family members moved nearby.

Most importantly, our relationship has deepened. More and more each day I appreciate the important part Joyce plays in my life – supporting me through the ups and downs – always there for me – listening, reflecting, offering her wisdom and insight. Allowing me to be there for her. What a blessing!

When each day brings a new adventure, a year can go by in the blink of an eye. But we take time each day to express the love, appreciation, and respect we feel for each other, through our words, our deeds, and our hugs.

Happy anniversary, honey!

Friends

2007-03-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

We recently fielded a last-minute request to serve as officiates at a local wedding. During the course of the conversation, it came out that the caller was not the bride, but rather a friend of the bride.

It’s not unusual for us to receive last-minute calls. People do make last-minute decisions to marry and ministers do sometimes cancel. We’ve never had the call come from anyone other than the bride or groom however.

It turns out that the friend is hosting the wedding at her house. Nice, huh? Most of the wedding party is from “back east,” and she thought it would be more fun for them to come to sunny Arizona for the wedding. She made that affordable by sharing her home.

But wait. Later in the conversation, we found out she is eight months pregnant!

Is she nuts, or is she the kind of friend we each would enjoy having?

Better question: are we this kind of friend?

I love thinking about how this friend will affect the upcoming wedding. She’s thinking she would like to become a wedding planner. I think she’s going to be a great one!

She’s already a great friend!

A Message to Parents

2007-03-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

Your kids don’t get it.

Yes, we know they’re floating around in the clouds now that they’re engaged and the stage has been set for them to live happily ever after.

Yes, we know they’re too busy to think, between working, planning, and living the life.

Yes, we know they’re being bombarded by pitches from wedding vendors and advice from their goofy friends.

Yes, we know they’re worried about the future – their new home, their 2.6 kids, their dog, and their SUV.

But can’t they just take a minute to listen to us? What WE want?

We certainly could teach them a thing or two, which we would gladly do if it would save them some of the pain we went through. If only they’d listen. If only they’d do it our way. Some of us are paying for the wedding after all.

Well, here’s the message. You’re not helping.

That’s right, you heard me. You’re being your parents. Or your in-laws. Or your friends. You’re not any better at being parents of the bride or groom than you were at being the bride or groom.

How could you be? From reading a wedding planning book? Give me a break.

You want a joyful wedding and a joyful marriage for your kids. Who wouldn’t. You love them.

If you pause to think about it, that’s exactly what they want too – a joyful wedding and a joyful marriage.

So what’s the problem?

I’m going to let you figure that one out yourselves. But here’s a clue: How about engaging the kids in meaningful conversation about what a joyful wedding looks like for them? About what a joyful marriage looks like for them. Get beyond what flavor cake we’re having. Get to the vision. Get to what’s important.

Then ask yourself the same questions. And share those answers with the kids.

I’m pretty sure you’re going to be surprised by the results!

Not Just Another Party

2007-03-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

February 26, 2007-
It’s just another one of twenty million benchmarks
In a sea of firsts, this one is a second
A click on that spinning wheel which never slows
Giving meaning to it isn’t difficult
It brings to mind a purple evening filled with joy
As we celebrated out intention to live as one
And gave official birth to the vision we live daily
A vision that fills me up with all that I cherish
Thank you for being my partner, companion, lover,
And soul mate

An Important Message

2007-02-18T08:21:00.000-07:00

Recently a friend of ours, who practices natural healing, described his shock at learning that at least two-thirds of his patients did not want to get well.

After a while, he figured out the many benefits of sickness: lots of attention and sympathy, time off work, release from the expectations of others, freedom to choose when to participate – stuff like that.

On the one hand, this seems bizarre. On the other, it makes perfect sense.

I think it may explain why brides and grooms don’t seem interested in wedding coaching. After all, misery brings attention and sympathy. You may have to take time off work to get your wedding planning done. When you make a mistake, don’t look your best, or hurt someone’s feelings, they’ll understand because they know what you’re going through in the wedding vortex. If you don’t want to show up, you can just blame it on all of the many burdens of wedding planning.

You’ll probably never have this kind of opportunity again – until you end up in the hospital. But you’ll be wearing a different kind of gown then.

The price, however, could be your life. Not just in choosing sickness over health – but in choosing misery over joy. I’m not talking about your wedding, which can still be quite miserable; I’m talking about your marriage.

You see, when you get used to choosing misery instead of joy, you grow ever more attached to those things you get from your misery. Don’t fool yourself by thinking you’re going to turn it off on your honeymoon.

When we talk with wedding vendors about the coaching we do, the one comment they ALWAYS make is “Where were you when I got married??”

The Morning After

2007-02-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Now what?

Let’s see, you probably find yourself in one of these situations this morning:

- The day went great – you’re looking forward to a romantic year ahead.
- The day went south – you’re in recovery mode.
- You spent the day alone – time for a change.
- You’ve got a wedding to plan.

If the day moved your relationship to a new level, congratulations! You can go even higher in the days ahead. First, you need to solidify your gains. What’s true about your forward leap? Besides feeling different, what IS different? Think about how you will reinforce these differences. What will your life together be like now?

If you’re in recovery mode, congratulations! You’re on your way up. Endings are also beginnings. Take a few moments to learn from the past, and then move on. What will you do differently next time? More important, how will you BE different next time? Write out your desires. Describe your ideal partner and the relationship you want. Then think about how to become the person who will attract that person and that relationship.

If you spend the day alone, congratulations! Being alone is perfect preparation for being together. Needy people attract needy partners. When you’re comfortable alone, you attract people who can take care of themselves, with enough energy to spare to build a strong relationship. Being alone is ok, especially if it’s your choice. Is it your choice? If not, what changes will you make in order to attract your ideal partner? Are you willing to make these changes?

If you just got engaged, congratulations! You’re entering an exciting time of great change and growth. You can choose to consciously use your wedding planning to set up your marriage, or leave your wedding, and your marriage, to others. Now’s the time to focus on your vision for your marriage, and get started bringing that into existence. Will you plan your future together? Or is one of you in charge? Do you set boundaries with friends and relatives, or do they set them? Keep your eyes on your marriage and hang on to your partner. Otherwise, the wedding vortex will swallow you.

It may be just another day in February, with a lot more pink than the rest. Or, perhaps it’s a beginning for you. We’re fond of saying how difficult change is. How about focusing on how exciting it can be? Throw yourself into creating the future relationship you desire and deserve. Let’s make it a great year for love!

Conscious Choice

2006-11-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today is the wedding date of my parents, 57 years ago. My mom passed on 20+ years ago after 30+ years of marriage, and my dad remarried a couple of years afterwards. He was married the 2nd time for almost 20 years, before his wife died. For couples to remain together these days for such lengths of time is not as common as it was in my parents’ generation.

However, back then, couples remained together through thick and thin. Most women didn’t feel they had a choice to leave if their husband turned out to be totally different from the man they thought they’d married, or they discovered who they truly were or even if it was an abusive marriage. Men were similarly boxed in: they had the role – and pressure – of breadwinner. Of course, couples married “for better or worse, for richer or poorer...” and divorce was not really permitted.

I am grateful that these days we can all consciously choose what we want in life, in a partner, in a marriage. This permits great freedom. It also requires taking responsibility. Are you up to it?

Are you up for creating the marriage of your dreams? You can, you know.

Your thoughts and your intentions are powerful and creative. You need to be clear in both if you are to actualize your heart’s desire. It’s not the easier way, but it sure is the more fulfilling one. And, it starts right after the engagement when you forge ahead on your wedding planning project.

When you consciously choose and create for your highest good, your being married for decades will be meaningful and based on true values and not because you felt you didn’t have the freedom to live the life and be with The One you wanted.

Freedom. Choice. Responsibility. Joy.

It’s up to you.

Through Thick and Thin

2006-11-08T06:59:00.000-07:00

That’s a lovely phrase.

What is “thick?” What is “thin?”

For me, thick is what it feels like when I’m stuck. In the mud. In the muck of situations in my life.

You know what that feels like. Nothing is quite going your way. Some things aren’t even pretending to go your way. And there’s so many of them. You can’t quite get a handle on the whole mess. There’s no traction – no place to grab onto to start turning things around.

That’s the thick.

For me, thin is what it feels like when nothing is happening. Nothing is working. Energy is being expended. Goals are being set. Doing is going on. But the world is gliding by without being affected by all of this. Like a giant “so what?”

That’s the thin.

What you try to do with thick or thin is just get through them. Go with them. Allow them to resolve themselves.

Better yet, we can look inside and try to figure out our part in creating this mess. After all, the mess is an exact reflection of who we’re being. Who are we being in order to attract this thick and thin? It’s easy to blame ourselves then.

That’s where your honey can help. Joyce helps me know that I’m alright. In showering me with unconditional love – love despite the muck – she lets me know that I am worthy.

When she reminds me that I’m worthy, that helps me remind myself. And there’s nothing quite like feeling self-worth to help you shake off the muck and move gently through thick and thin.

The Day After

2006-11-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

Have you thought about the day after you say “I do”? You know, when all the excitement and focus on the wedding is over, you’ve returned from your glorious honeymoon, and now it’s back to the ‘real’ world.

We get so wrapped up in the wedding that we forget that that is just the beginning. I, for one, had given little thought to our life after the wedding. In fact, I wasn’t even sure I was going to feel any different after saying some words and exchanging rings. All I was sure of was that I wanted to be with Rog for the rest of my life. I would take what came and we’d go through it together – somehow.

Like our wedding planning, time has been a factor in the ever-unfolding of our relationship. And, like our wedding planning, we hit some bumps along the way in our first few months as husband and wife.

Initially, in the first few months of “the day after,” our egos clashed a little when we treated the one (our relationship) as two (separate self-centered individuals). I realized I had to learn to trust that Rog really loved me as he said he did, which was a love of a magnitude and breadth such as I’d never experienced. And, I had to learn that what was best for us as a couple, the third entity that was born out of Rog and out of me, and how we faced each other and the world was what mattered. Gratefully, I’m often a quick study.

We have developed a style of communication that works for both of us. We always talk matters over as soon after as we realize that something might be off kilter. We always come back to our love and joy. And, I like keep our marriage promises nearby to remind me of the commitment I made to this dear man.

We are really here to help support the other to be all that he/she can be. I don’t look to belittle my husband but to honor and respect and cherish him. I don’t look to get from him what I lack. We are two individuals who have come together and in the overflow have created this third entity, this wonderful union of two souls in a holy relationship of marriage.

So what’s “the day after” look like to you?

How the Time Doth Fly

2006-11-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

Here it is, a solid week since we posted a blog. And, now it’s November 1st! Where did the time go? How the time doth fly!

Halloween is past, Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and Christmas will be here in the wink of an eye! Oh my – that means 2007 is just a double wink away.

Rog and I never seem to have enough time to do all that we want or think we’re supposed to do, and it flies by so quickly. And, we’re not even planning a wedding!

I’m grateful to say that there is loads of fun in all that I do because I do so much of it with my beloved life partner, who is also my business partner. I hope your wedding planning and other adventures with your honey are full of fun and joy too. Still, it can feel like quite a load.

Rog and I were talking yesterday morning about all that we have on our business plate and expressing that if we only did this more efficiently, or tried that strategy, or put more focus on that, everything would come together and be peachy fine.

The light bulb went off and I realized that that wasn’t the answer. We are some of the most organized, hard-working, efficient people you could ever meet. It’s not about doing more or being more of something. The bottom line is that what we are trying to accomplish requires far more than the two of us. It most definitely is not about we’re not good enough. We certainly are.

However, we cannot do it alone. Neither can you. You have a bazillion details to attend to, and wouldn’t it be nice to accomplish them in love and joy and with as little stress as possible? Ensure that by talking regularly with one another and getting a reality check about your expectations and your accomplishments. Then, ask for help. And, more help. Paid help, volunteer help, and help from Spirit.

The time may fly, but it will do so with less stress and far more joy.

Celebrate Love, Celebrate Life

2006-10-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my honey’s birthday. He’s not one to make a big deal over the occasion. Still, he’s open to celebration at any time, so why not for his birthday?

In the evening we gathered for dinner with his daughter and her boyfriend. And as I noted, the three of us would not be sitting around the table if Rog had not been born. For this I am so very grateful. On our first birthday together (this is now our third time around) I thanked his parents for bringing him into the world. Yeah, I’m pretty corny and sentimental...

Rog’s birthday is just a particularly extra good reason to celebrate the love and joy we have. In the same way, your wedding is a particularly extra good reason to celebrate the love and joy you have... and have others bear witness to. That’s one reason why we say “It’s not just another party.”

I hope you will never lose sight of that love and joy as you go about the wedding planning process, when you walk down the aisle, when it’s your paper anniversary year, when you’re sitting on the porch in your rocking chair.

Yep, every day is a wonderful day to celebrate life, each other’s life, and the joy and love we hold for one another. Happy Birthday, Rog!

We're Here...

2006-10-23T16:18:00.000-07:00

Here in the Phoenix area, October and November are two of the prime months for holding weddings, outdoor weddings especially. The temps are generally in the low 80’s during the day, and by sundown, they reach the delightful mark - with scenery to match.

Since we had only recently decided to actively serve as officiants at weddings, we had not made our availability known to couples. So, even though in all likelihood you have everything set for your upcoming nuptials, we’d just like to let you know that we have some availability during these busy months to be your celebrants in case the need arises. Rog and I love to marry couples together – “The Two Reverends” you might call us – as it is yet another time in which we get the opportunity to think about our own love and the joyful wedding we created in which to celebrate and share it.

Feel free to contact Rev. Joyce at Joyce@BizWorksStudio.com or Rev. Rog at Rog@BizWorksStudio.com. We can help things get back on track so you can go about choosing – and having – joy for your wedding.

Hangin' Out

2006-10-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

What are Sundays for? Church, perhaps. Family, certainly. Day of rest, might be nice.

I just like hangin' out – doing whatever seems to come up next for doing.

I was up pretty early this morning, enjoying the quiet in my study, when the phone rang. That seemed kinda strange. Then I noticed it was my business phone. And then I saw who was calling.

It was my honey, calling from our bedroom. She wanted me to come hang out with her, but didn’t want to get up to get me. That set the tone for the day!

When I got up for the second time, we got comfortable together in the living room, sipping our morning coffee, reading spiritual books. Then she made pancakes – yum!

After breakfast had a few minutes to settle, we walked over to the neighborhood park and shot some hoops. My honey is pretty deadly when she uses the backboard.

Back at home, we did a very thorough cleaning of the bedroom together – oiling all the furniture and washing even the dust ruffle.

We met for a financial conversation after lunch, which led to some serious planning about our business and our future.

I made dinner. Joyce is washing dishes while I write today’s blog. We still have to make the bed and shower. And then we’ll be back where we began, in each other’s arms.

That’s my kind of Sunday!

The Coffee Game

2006-10-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

Almost every morning, I don’t make coffee. Oh, I still love my morning coffee. I just wait until Joyce asks me if I want her to make it.

I could make my own – I’m quite capable in this regard. But there are a couple bonuses if I choose not to make it.

First, my honey gets to do something nice for me. It’s a gift. By allowing her to make the coffee, I create an opportunity for her to be a giver. She likes that.

And then I get to be the receiver. That’s nice too. It doesn’t matter how many times she makes coffee, I always smile when I see her walking into my study with that cup in her hand. What a wonderful gift!

Of course I have to thank her then. Expressing gratitude brings up positive emotions for both giver and receiver. And I am truly grateful.

Then we hug. Sometimes I think the whole exercise is just an excuse to sneak in one more loving embrace. So be it.

And as I sip that coffee, I remember the love surrounding its making and delivery. I’m not usually much for rituals. This one is a keeper!

Time for an Adjustment

2006-10-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

Every Friday morning I usually head to Doc’s for a chiropractic adjustment. A little bit of crackin’ of the neck here, a bit of a massage there, and let’s not forget some applied kinesiology, AKA muscle testing, to see how my adrenals are doing. I really feel refreshed after leaving Doc’s office.

So what are you doing to get refreshed after a bout of wedding planning and running around? Are you ready for an adjustment? Perhaps you need a physical adjustment for your aching feet (boy, were my toes out of whack this morning!). Or maybe what you really need is an adjustment of attitude.

It can be so easy to snap at someone when we are tired and overwhelmed with so many things to do and decisions to make - and far too easy to aim at our beloved. So on a regular basis it is worthwhile to take stock, to make sure that you are taking care of yourself in all ways: emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. Not only does this serve you well, but it helps ensure that those around you get to be around the best you that you are.

Is it time for an adjustment?

Freeze!

2006-10-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

This morning, Joyce and I were having an innocent little conversation when she stopped me to clarify something I had just said. Issue!

I’m a communicator. I work hard at being understood. This was a simple sentence and she wasn’t getting it. What’s up with that?

Instead of giving her twenty million rewordings of the little sentence, which is what I would usually do, I asked her what she didn’t understand. Instead of thinking she couldn’t have been paying attention, I stopped to see what the heck had gone wrong.

Instead of feeling attacked, she immediately joined in trying to figure out what she had missed.

We couldn’t figure it out. So I changed a few words and she got it right away.

Even then, we couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong.

We’re just about to arrive at moral-o-the-story time. Or in this case, two.

First, under ideal conditions, communication is nearly impossible. That’s right – nearly impossible. Two intelligent people, sitting across the table from each other, paying complete attention to what they’re saying/hearing, who love each other and talk all the time, still can’t reach understanding on a simple sentence.

When conditions are less than perfect, well, I just wonder how any communication happens at all.

More important, since communication is so difficult, how wonderful to have a partner who IS totally engaged in the effort – one who is willing to stop and examine the process – and to learn everything she can to improve the likelihood that one day, we WILL understand each other!

Love is Weak

2006-10-17T06:16:00.000-07:00

That’s right, love is weak. It doesn’t get you what you want.

It doesn’t get you the right wedding dress. That takes money.

It doesn’t get you money. You either have to work for money or extort it from your family.

It doesn’t get you the date you wanted at your chosen venue. Somebody beat you to it.

It doesn’t get Uncle Ned to stop drinking at the reception. Three strong men couldn’t prevent that.

It doesn’t get your honey to show up on time. It’s just not going to happen.

So, what good is love if it doesn’t get you what you want?

Let’s ask that question from another angle: what do you really want?

Do you know the feeling of unconditional love?

What does it mean to you when, for at least one person in the world, you can do no wrong? When you know that regardless of what happens, that one will always be there with open arms to accept and comfort you?

What is it worth to be lost in that embrace?

Would you trade the stuff for that feeling of unconditional love?

Guys, Start a Revolution

2006-10-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

The groom... the father of the groom... the father of the bride... It seems like men just can’t ‘win’ at a wedding. It really does seem like a wedding is for women only. The women – the bride mostly of course – are the ones that get the most attention – heck, the only attention – and make the vast majority of the decisions. Well, I just don’t get it...whose idea was that anyway?

Without men, we wouldn’t be having a wedding in the first place. The bride wouldn’t even have been born – remember biology class? And, without a groom, there’d be no bride. In fact, without a groom’s father, there’d be no groom, and without a bride’s father, there’d be no bride. Oy vey. What a predicament – especially for the $100 BILLION dollar wedding industry (up from $80 billion).

Guys, aren’t you tired of being discounted especially when you play such a huge role in this whole gig? Oh, and let’s not forget that it’s mostly YOUR money that finances the show.

I say it’s time to rise up and be counted. I say if marriage is to be an equal partnership, then the wedding should be too. I say let’s embrace our beloved men as we go about this wedding thing and show them how dear they truly are to us (and not just for their wallets).

I sure am looking forward to seeing and hearing from more of you the next time I’m part of a wedding. Please don’t disappoint me, guys.

Who Dat?

2006-10-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

Father of the groom. Now there’s an entirely useless role for a wedding.

You don’t even get a special walk up the aisle. You just sort of sneak in from the parking lot and sit where you were told – quietly please.

You don’t get to do a special toast at the reception. And you don’t get a special dance with anyone of note.

Your partner is plenty busy however with her duties. So you don’t even get to see her much. You can hang out with your family.

Fortunately, you got to pay for the rehearsal dinner. That’s the least you could do. And, the most.

At the last wedding we attended, the father of the groom got to wear a tux matching those of the groomsmen. At least we could tell who he was.

That’s it. Your big moment is to pick up a check at the restaurant. And that’s your only moment. You would think the father of the groom would have SOMETHING to contribute.

I know, let’s start a new tradition for fathers of the groom. Something with beer would be good. Something the day after the wedding, when everyone else is asleep.

Father of the Bride

2006-10-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve played almost every role a guy can in a wedding: groom, groomsman, musician, and celebrant – some more than once. And I’ve lived to tell about it.

But father of the bride? That’s one I’m not looking forward to.

It all began a few years back, and I don’t remember whose wedding I was attending at the time. Suddenly, instead of relating most closely with the groom, for some reason I started feeling closer to the father of the bride.

Yikes! Neither of my girls is talking seriously about getting married – yet. That’s a good thing because I don’t want to give them away. I don’t want to do the big welcome toast at the reception. I don’t want to dance the father-daughter dance. And I don’t want to think about footing the bill.

I don’t know why it rattles me. The first time I watched Steve Martin in the movie “Father of the Bride,” I thought it was hysterical. The second time, it hurt. Since then, I can’t watch it at all.

Have you noticed how fathers of the bride seem sort of lost at weddings? Like they’re trying to play their role but can’t quite figure it out? Like they know they’re supposed to be having fun, but they’re not? Like they know they’re supposed to be happy for everyone, but they’re kinda faking it?

I know it’s tough for brides to break life-long ties with their parents and friends as they prepare for their new lives with what’s-his-name. But what about all those poor fathers of the bride? Who helps them through their difficult time?

Dads, this one’s for you. If you’ve ever married off a daughter, I hope the wedding time passed quickly and without a lot of drama. I’m sure we’ll get over it, eventually.

I Love a Wedding

2006-10-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

I didn’t used to. Too much show. Too heavy on the costumes. Too much perfume and makeup. Too many expectations. Too much perfection. Too much judging.

Then, for some reason, I got over it.

Yep, I’m still a guy. I would probably still choose watching a good basketball game over a wedding at least eight out of ten times. I still prefer shorts and t-shirts to a tux. I don’t need no wedding cake - give me a cheeseburger and I’m happy.

But there was something about the last three weddings I attended that’s changed my point of view.

First, there was my own wedding – our wedding. The love in the room that night was hanging so heavy in the air that it instantly brought a tear to Joyce’s eye. Actually, quite a few more than one. We still revel in recalling the magic that night.

Then we attended the wedding of some friends. Although they were clearly stressing over the production, somehow, I wasn’t swept up in all that. When everyone started western dancing and sweat started pouring as they helped us learn the steps, it hardly seemed like the same wedding.

And then there was the last one – the one just this past weekend where Joyce and I got to serve as celebrants. Wow! For a few minutes there, the four of us were really working up front. We were connected in a way that made it feel like we were the only ones there. The energy exchanged through our tears, choked words, and loving glances left its mark on me.

So I’m a changed guy. Got wedding? Bring it on!

Weddings are for...

2006-10-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

... married couples. Yep, it fortunately or unfortunately seems that way.

Rog and I officiated at a wedding for the first time this past weekend. It was wonderful. We attended the reception as well, so we got to hear the talk of the guests. It seems that the wedding couple, smitten with one another and glowing and so full of love, made many think warmly of their own wedding and their initial love.

Now, I think it’s great to reminisce. But when the current state of affairs hasn’t kept up with that memory, that’s another matter. It pains me to see couples not connected to one another after having shared so much of their life, their time, and their energy with one another. And, the tendency is often that the longer the marriage, the less connected.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be that way. Each of us can, at any time, just stop and reflect upon the “meaningful promises, loving gazes, and tears” that we surely experienced at our own wedding and carry it with us always. For one hour, one week, one year, twenty years. What a wonderful way to get back to the joy within no matter what is going on outside. It really doesn’t take much.

Yep, it’s really magical to relive our joyful moments when we are witness to a wedding. And, for me, it’s far more “loverly” to live them day after day after day with my chosen partner.

Privilege

2006-10-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

When your partner can’t make her commitment – can’t get her share of the work done – what then?

Do you remind her? Scold her? Keep after her until she gets it done?

Do you blow it off? Let it go? See if she gets it done tomorrow?

Do you do it for her? Pick up the slack?

And if you do, is it a sacrifice? Are you resentful? Do you make sure to update the scoreboard? Do you let it be known?

Or, do you see it as an opportunity – an opportunity to deliver a gift? Do you do your good deed secretly? Do you find joy in the giving?

Joyce made a commitment to herself and to me to blog here every other day, as we had been doing. She hasn’t kept that commitment yet.

She’s been working at other stuff and being very productive. I wouldn’t want to slow her down. And she’s been covering for me, without a word, in the kitchen. So I can be productive.

So I keep sneaking in and blogging for and about her. It’s fun really. Then she finds it. And it’s fun for her too.

This is when work becomes joy. A great partner can help you figure that out. And she does it by not doing her work – so you get to! How wonderful is that!

Ridiculous

2006-10-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

As we were driving to perform our very first wedding ceremony, we found ourselves asking first, why are we doing this?

That wasn’t too hard. We really love the bride and groom and wanted to help them find joy in their ceremony and their marriage, just as we had in their wedding planning.

We wanted to learn about weddings from a different perspective.

And we wanted to experience again the joy of our own wedding.

But then we asked, do we ever want to do this again?

That was tougher. Despite our coaching, the bride and groom had been sucked into the wedding vortex, where sanity goes out the window along with a lot of dollars.

What’s worse – yes, I am making a value judgment – we got sucked in with them! Ouch!

We got a little crazy and perfectionist in our preparations. We went a little overboard on our spending. We poured in quite a few more hours than we would ever have budgeted.

On the way to the wedding, I told Joyce about the blog I was contemplating, entitled “Ridiculous.” That’s about how I felt.

Fortunately, we waited until the ride home to begin answering the question!

For a few moments that afternoon, up front, we felt as though it was just the four of us – bride, groom, Joyce, and me. We will always cherish those emotional moments, as we waltzed through meaningful promises, loving gazes, and tears.

Ridiculous? Probably. Will we do it again? You bet!

Off The Charts

2006-10-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about the relationship between Joyce and me this morning – thinking that every day I am amazed by her and surprised by our growing love. There’s just nothing to compare, at least around here.

Which made me wonder, “Why are you comparing?”

Ordinarily I’m against comparing. Too much judging and scorekeeping for me.

On the other hand, comparing this morning helped me understand what’s important for me – made me look at the criteria I use to compare.

Joyce keeps saying these really cute, funny things. And she’s got a wonderfully positive way of being.

Except some days. Then she’s so aware of being in a funk and focused on getting out of it. She even asks me for help.

Then there are those days when I’m in a funk. She’s there gently helping me out.

And then there are the hugs.

I don’t really want to compare our life together with anything. I just want to live it fully, in joy, every day.

And if possible, figure out what pixie dust got sprinkled on us so I can pass some along to you!

Standing in the Kitchen...

2006-10-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in the dining area sipping my decaf while Rog was making breakfast for us this morning. I just stared at him, this magnificent being.

I was musing how this was my husband there. Ooooo-eeee. My ‘best-est’, ‘best-est’ friend. I am living with my ‘best-est’, ‘best-est’ friend! How very awesome. What a trip – what constant fun.

If I get so excited about just staring at my beloved while he makes breakfast, can you imagine how I am when we’re engaged in activity together?! Is that how it is for you both? I hope so.

And if it is, then of course, you’re together in the wedding planning process. Deciding on the location, test tasting the menu, writing your vows together, and on and on. Opportunities to know one another even better and to work as a team gracefully. And, you’re having fun to boot! Such a deal.

Yes, I know there is so much to do if you’re going to have an event that at least somewhat resembles a wedding. And, believe me, I know it can get overwhelming. But, if you’re in it together – like you’re going to be in marriage together – you can get through it, and you can have fun and joy along the way.

Here’s to you and your beloved! God bless.

Sunrise?

2006-09-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard “the sun rises in the east?”

How many songs about beautiful sunrises can you name?

What picture does the word “sunrise” bring to your mind?

And yet, if you have taken even one astronomy unit any time in your school life, you know that the sun does not, in fact, rise.

Rising is not what happens every morning.

How many times have you heard the story of a princess-bride?

How many movies about fairy-tale weddings can you name?

What picture does the word “wedding” bring to your mind?

And yet, if you’ve ever attended a wedding, you know that mostly they have very little to do with fairy tales.

A fairy tale is not what happens at weddings.

It’s nice that we pretend the sun rises, just as our ancestors have done for thousands of years.

Maybe it’s nice that we pretend weddings are fairy tales too.

I just wonder when we’re going to come up with a story that explains what we know to be true, and empowers us to joy.

A New Day

2006-09-14T05:55:00.000-07:00

Is it really a new day? Or is it another version of an old day?

I’ve been just reading about how everything we see is from the past. We only know what things mean by referencing the past. A message comes in, our brain quickly looks for the stored pattern and identifies it – this is a glass of water. Then our brain looks for information stored around the pattern and we know to drink.

So things only have meaning based on our past.

Go ahead and apply this idea to your day.

Yesterday, the head of our Master Mind group asked us to use our imaginations to see where we will be in ten years. In listening to the answers around the room, I would say they could be summed up in one word: more.

More money, more stuff, more service, more employees, more vacations – just a multiplication projected forward from the past.

Is that imagination?

If your wedding is going to be designed from the past, if the decisions you make about it are rooted in what you know from the past, if you are just projecting past wedding experiences forward – then what are you going to get?

I’m guessing that you’re going to get a nice event, with some mistakes, perhaps some major ones, a lot of stress, tension, perhaps animosity. You’ll get outta there married, exhausted, glad it’s over, needing a break to recover.

Unless you add something new. Unless you reach into your imagination and pull out something that’s not in your past.

Why not stretch out your imagination and connect with your joy. Sprinkle that around throughout your planning. Take a risk. Be happy. You’ll certainly get a different result – perhaps that won’t be so bad.

Really make it a new day!

Respect

2006-09-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

It’s getting late and my honey is next door in her office, still hard at work on a project with a deadline that got moved up.

She’s not complaining. We’ve already put in an 18-hour day and I’m trying to stay awake to support her. And she’s still cranking away.

It just makes me marvel.

You’re probably like her too. You get up early, work late, and then squeeze in a little wedding planning before bed. You’re amazing.

It’s nice to know I’ve got a partner like that. It’s comforting to feel that kind of dedication and perseverance around me. It’s inspiring to witness that level of energy.

I know her shoulders are aching from being in front of the computer screen all day. Too sore for me to even massage them. My gentle touch seems to make a difference though. And I know she’s bolstered by my presence in the next room.

I like working together. I like working together with a real partner. What a blessing!

Oh Happy Day!

2006-09-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

Your eyes open gently to greet the sunrise. Like any morning, you quickly begin to create your day. Where am I? What’s happening today?

And then it hits you: you’re getting married today!

You smile and close your eyes, remembering the many events that have led to today. You spend a few moments allowing images of your beloved to dance across the screen in your mind, savoring every one.

Today you will be surrounded by those you love. Today, they’ll be celebrating you and your love.

It is right and good that they will celebrate you.

You’ve devoted the last months to lovingly preparing for this day, ensuring that everything is perfect for the ones you love. You’ve brought joy to every decision, loading each element with your love.

This day will bring your love to a new level, one that you and your partner will carry forward into your marriage. This love will power the two of you, your children, and everyone you touch.

This day you will launch your marriage, fueled by enough love to blast you into orbit.

Enjoy this day. You deserve it.

Don't Negotiate

2006-09-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

We’ve talked about what’s really important in a wedding event: the people and the love and joy they bring to support you, the couple. We know that other things are important to you, i.e., dress, tux, flowers, menu, guest lists, ad infinitum (or so it seems) and we’ve cautioned you not to get too caught up in the Wedding Vortex. So make this day what you want it to be and keep everything in perspective.

If the bride wants a pink flower arrangement on the tables and the groom wants a single candle, I think negotiation is feasible. If filet mignon is a little pricey, perhaps the New York steak will do. Even if the reception space can accommodate only 140 guests instead of 150, I think negotiation is possible.

However, what are not negotiable are one’s values and dreams. And, I’m really not talking about the wedding. I’m talking about your partnership. If one wants to have children and the other does not and both are adamant, byeeeee. If one strives to improve themselves and the other is content with mediocrity, it ain’t going to work. If one has a jealous streak and takes no action to change, get out!

True marriage is a joining of two souls in the ultimate of relationships which offers the opportunity of limitless intimacy and the greatest of adventures into the depths and heights of human caring, affection, trust, and understanding. It is a vehicle for self-realization for each to know their true selves through the support and safe harbor of this sacred union. You co-create a shared identity – what will yours convey?

You might think it’s a bit late for discussing this topic, but it’s never too late. I know of folks, who walking down the aisle, yes, walking down the aisle, knew the marriage would fail, that the two were not a sound fit, and yet went through with it anyway. Of course, you know the outcome. What is the point of such foolishness? And, then there were those who were honest and loving (to self and others) and called off the nuptials at the last minute despite the consequences of that course of action.

So, think about what you want your life and your partnership to be about. You may not want to wait until you’re 50 to have a family and yet Mr. Right hasn’t come along. Well, that’s okay - what are you willing to negotiate, what good are you willing to exchange for another good? Will that be enough? Will you be honest not only with yourself but with your partner? Maybe the groom is a basketball fan to the extreme and you’re feeling like a widow. Well, basketball is seasonal so if you don’t choose to cultivate an interest in it, you just need to realize it’s temporary, and go pursue a passion yourself. Maybe the bride is a CPA and doesn’t surface much between January and April 15th; it’s temporary. Or maybe, one or both of you are just not ready to be in a relationship that requires flexibility, patience, communication, and honesty.

Regardless, keep working on YOU. Get to know yourself more and more. If Ms. Right or Mr. Right hasn’t materialized yet, it’s because you’re not ready for such a commitment. But I can assure you that as you grow, you will attract that which you desire and in the end you will not find yourself in the position of being called to negotiate that which is most sacred to you.

“...love asks only that you be happy, and will give you everything that makes for happiness.”
- A Course in Miracles (T.16.II.8.8)

Some things in life are negotiable and some are not.

Sunday Morning

2006-09-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

As much as I enjoy working, it’s nice to have a day of rest. Well, maybe not rest exactly. More like a day of going slower, smelling the roses.

I’m generally up between five and six each morning. It’s just a rhythm my body and I have established over time. On Sundays, I sometimes slide past six. I let my body decide.

When I get out of bed on Sundays, I’m not so much getting into gear for the day as I am relaxing into enjoying the day. I like that.

I’m more apt to drink my coffee on the back porch instead of in my office. I tend to do a little extra spiritual reading instead of moving right on to the next thing.

This morning I enjoyed a little time in the garden. Sure, I did work that had to be done. But there was a leisurely attitude about it that made it even more enjoyable than usual.

And then Joyce and I shared coffee in our living room, just sitting around talking, soaking in the comfort and peace of our home and being together. Joyce noted that “we’ll still be doing this fifty years from now.” That felt good – I don’t want to miss any of these moments – I want us to keep creating them together.

I thought I’d share this with you because I hope it will help you slow down a bit and enjoy your day. More than that, I’ll be delighted if it helps you slow down a bit and enjoy your partner! Peace.

There's No Place Like Home...

2006-09-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

We were on the east coast this past Labor Day weekend visiting dear friends and getting acquainted with their children. We enjoyed the beautiful tall, green, treed landscape of the Baltimore area, along with bodies of water, hills and dales, rain, and cool temps. Quite a change from the environment of southern Arizona!

We laughed...we strolled...we chatted...we ate...we caught up on some zzzz’s. It was a fine time.

Still, it is sooo great to be home! No matter how beautiful the locale or our hosts’ home and hospitality, there’s no place like home. I am so grateful for the home that Rog and I have created here in little ‘ol Gilbert. It is our nest, our retreat.

And, of course, I know that home is really not a physical place. It is a place of the heart and the soul. So no matter where I am, home is with Spirit. And for me, it is also wherever my beloved Rog is. Together we are one in heart and mind, and one with Spirit.

So how does this relate to your wedding planning you may ask -- I’ll tell ya. No matter how beautiful the locale, the flowers, the people, your dress, your tux, the food, ad infinitum, it is where your heart and soul reside that will determine the enjoyment of your special day. And that boils down to your relationships with your partner, your self, your relatives, your friends, and Spirit. It’s all an inside job really and the external simply reflects how you’re faring inside and with your higher power. When you are right in your relationships, you are at peace and joy.

My wish for you is to always feel at home and in joy wherever you may be and whatever the circumstances, and to know that when you are not feeling that way, you can always choose again.

Fine words, indeed. I think I’ll heed them!

Remind Me Again: Why Are We Doing This?

2006-09-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you wonder, some days, why you’re putting yourself through all the stress of wedding planning. What’s on the other side of your wedding day that could possibly make this all worthwhile?

As Joyce and I grow closer – yes, that does happen in marriage – it’s getting clearer what this is all about.

Basically, I need help. Not just any help. I need a partner who helps reveal my strengths and weaknesses – not just by praising me and griping at me – but by creating a perfect environment where I can work on me.

First, that means that I’m free to be me. No posturing. No pleasing. No hiding out. No show. Just me, as I am. I have that freedom because I know she’s not going to judge me.

It also means I can be who I want to be. My best. My new. My experiment. Again, I’m free to try improvements because I know she’s not going to judge me.

In some ways, Joyce IS me. By being herself, she’s also a perfect mirror of my thoughts, words, and deeds. Our little daily dance together gives me loads of opportunities to see myself reflected in her.

Each and every time I see something I don’t like, I’m free to choose again. And she lets me! She encourages me!

I hope that’s what‘s in store for you and your partner!

A Horse of a Different Color

2006-08-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

I didn’t get an opportunity to change my name either time I got married. Well, I guess I could have if I’d wanted to.

Deciding whether or not to switch to the groom’s last name is just one of twenty-million decisions you’re making during the wedding planning phase. I think it’s a tough one.

First of all, it’s not one of those decisions between doing a bunch of work or letting things ride. Either way, you’re in for some work. Some people, including Federal and State agencies, will assume you made the swap; other people, and other Federal and State agencies, will assume you didn’t. Whatever your choice, you’re in for a period of notification, sometimes repeated notification, until everybody gets it straight. Even when they get it straight, some of them will continue to let you know they think you made the wrong choice.

Some brides feel like they ARE their name. For you, changing names means changing identities. You already know you’re changing identities – but you’d like to feel like you’re holding on to some of the old you.

Some brides look forward to adopting their partner’s name as symbolic of their union. Some brides resent having to make this decision at all because it’s a tradition that comes, in part, from the time wives belonged to their husband, as property.

Some brides want to retain their ethnic heritage, or keep their family name alive. Some brides like their partner’s last name; some don’t. We talked with someone the other day who is excited about adopting her spouse’s name, except that her new initials spell a word she doesn’t want to associate with. (She’s changing her middle name.)

Perhaps you’ll choose to skirt this decision by using a hyphen. Just throw all the names together and join them with a hyphen or two. That’ll keep everybody happy – right?

Now we’re coming to the part where the writer gives you his take on how to handle the issue. I do have my own particular view, but I know it won’t work for a lot of you.

When anyone asks me how I prefer to be addressed, I tell them they call me anything they like, as long as they do it with a smile!

Celebrate Every Day!

2006-08-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our 1½ year wedding anniversary (and ten years since I moved out of the Big Apple). When I mentioned this, someone remarked –with a little bit of disgust and cynicism- that she could tell that we’re still newlyweds. So what’s wrong with that?

Rog and I acknowledge not only our wedding anniversary (and its various time increments), but also our wink-a-versary (when Rog expressed his interest in me via Match.com), date-a-versary (our first date), and, of course, our engagement (there’s a pretty straightforward term).

Thing is, I expect and plan on us acknowledging these important dates even when we’re not so-called “newlyweds”. Each is an acknowledgement of how excited we are to have found one another, to love one another, and to have the blessing of sharing our lives together. In fact, I celebrate Roger...our love...our partnership every day. Sounds pretty good to me... So what’s wrong with that?

My hope is that our love and its light will shine onto others so that they might feel what we feel for and about one another, and heal in some way.

Let’s celebrate ourselves and one another every day, every hour, every minute, and in so doing, awaken to the truth of who and what we all really are: Divine beings of Love.

So it is.

Customizing Your Vows

2006-08-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

You’ve probably already planned most of your wedding activities. Now you’re down to those few moments when you actually say “I do.” Let’s make sure these moments really sing the song of who you are as a couple – and who you want to be as married partners.

On the one hand, you aren’t bound by very many absolute rules, and are free to design a ceremony that reflects who you are. On the other, this part of your wedding is at least as steeped in tradition as the other activities you’ve been planning. You’ll want to understand something of those traditions as you make your decisions.

We believe your wedding ceremony works best when it reflects who you are as individuals and as a couple – both today and as a vision of your future together. The words that form the core of the ceremony describe your deepest thoughts and feelings about marriage, and state the promises you make to each other – all in support of creating the joyful marriage of your dreams.

Planning your ceremony can be a wonderful time of growth and sharing with your partner. These moments can be quite romantic. Use them to deepen your relationship and clarify your desires and expectations.

When you devote yourselves to working together on this part of your wedding, the words and actions you choose will hold their meaning for years to come.

Here are a few tips for personalizing the words you’ll use to define your marriage:

· Start early
· Use this process as an opportunity to share with your partner your deepest thoughts, feelings, and expectations about marriage – to bring you closer together
· Plan to come together regularly as you explore and create your partnership, and find the words to describe it
· Make it a romantic and fun adventure together
· Connect with Spirit, your Higher Power, to provide inspiration
· Ask for help from your celebrant to set the tone for working together on this step
· Do a little research – read other vows and talk with your loved ones
· Craft words that reflect who you are – short or long, simple or elegant, gentle or strong
· Don’t settle – work on it until the words ring true for both of you – you’ll want them to work for you powerfully
· Ask for help from your celebrant to add the finishing touches

Now, get to work you two! Here’s to your joy in this part of your great adventure together!

Eight Brides

2006-08-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Seven young ladies, coworkers, were seated together, with their guests, at the wedding reception of the eighth. One was married already; two were engaged. That left four hoping.

And what do you think they talked about? Weddings, of course!

Their keen eyes had noticed every flaw in their friend’s wedding, and it was these they took great pride in pointing out to each other.

“Did you see how she…?” “Did you notice what he did when…?” “I couldn’t believe she…?”

How brilliant they all seemed to themselves as they competed with each other to be the one with the most clever, subtle noticing. How competent they seemed to themselves as they discussed their own plans and how they would avoid each mistake they’d noticed today.

My blessings go out to the poor bride, whose friends were judging her, even in her moment of joy. It’s too bad she couldn’t have done a better job with her wedding planning – I’m sure she could have scored at least a little higher marks.

Although, I wondered why she had invited people she knew would be judging her. Surely she knew this would happen. She had shared this table at the last wedding. She had been swept up in the judging then too.

Maybe she deserves to be criticized and critiqued.

Who will be the next lucky bride?

What Happened On the Way to the Wedding

2006-08-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

You've been told that your wedding day is the biggest event of your life and happens only once in a lifetime (divorce statistics aside, which no one in the wedding business ever mentions as they sell you on the fairy tale nature of this event).

Of course it's your big day, Bride and Groom, especially the bride's. But how about thinking of others along the way to the wedding?

Certainly with so much focus on the bride, she can get a bit self-centered. Volunteerism and helping others is a wonderful way to get out of ourselves, to lay aside the craziness of the wedding vortex, at least for a brief time. It’s a great way to feel connected to Spirit. In being of service to people, we can realize our true place in life, neither above nor below others. We are reminded that giving and receiving are one and the same. You’ve received so much by this time in your life; now is a perfect time to give back, to give of yourself.

So when things get a bit overwhelming and your star status is starting to make you miserable, think about others and then extend yourself somehow, some way. In so doing, you will be uplifted and catch an attitude of gratitude. What a refreshing feeling to then bring back to the crazy wedding planning process.

Shusssh! No Tawking!

2006-08-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

Don’t disturb me. I’m very busy now. I’m doing something very important and must not be distracted. Maybe later.

Don’t bother me. I’m in a very bad mood. I don’t want to take it out on you. But if you bother me, I certainly will, even though I love you.

Not now, please! A thought was just coming. A thought I have been waiting for. It’s almost there. Please, don’t interrupt.

I don’t really feel like talking. It’s been a long day. I’m tired. I would probably just fall asleep on you.

You’ve heard these lines? Perhaps you’ve said them yourself?

You meant well of course. You were polite. A little edgy, but still you followed the rules, the conventions for avoiding conversation.

Oh, how sad. It’s hard enough these days to ask someone to listen – just listen. Even when you know that person will set aside a few moments for you – devote their full attention to you – hear you fully without judging.

But when you ask, you risk these rejections I mentioned above. It’s sad when you don’t want to ask; when you work up the gumption to ask, and then face rejection, it’s crushing. A double whammy.

Why do we do these things to each other?

'Tawking'

2006-08-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

It’s so easy to have an unpleasant encounter and then let it spiral downward, lasting far too long and affecting everyone you come into contact with, even your closest love one. The feeling can escalate into resentment and resentment can be deadly.

I have learned that I do not have to go through anything alone, although sometimes I forget and then just want to stew by myself.

So if something or someone is troubling you, don’t keep it to yourself. Pause. Talk things over with someone else, reason it out where possible, write about your feelings, pray, take good care of yourself. I have found that a great burden can be easily lifted when I follow the aforementioned.

Non-communication is poison to any relationship.

As your go through the wedding planning process, there will most likely be some challenging times. Could be: Your future mother-in-law insists you invite everyone to the wedding who you invited to the engagement party. Or, your honey decides to spend $1,000 more on her gown than agreed to and doesn’t discuss it with you. The wedding planner turns out to be someone who doesn’t understand what you’re striving for. On and on it can go, in this part of your life and the rest too.

Pause. Pray. Think of all the love and joy in your life. Feel the gratitude you hold within. Then, go out there and talk things over. You’ll be glad you did...aahhh.

Bacteria-eating Virus

2006-08-21T18:08:00.000-07:00

Yep, we now have bacteria-eating virus we can spray on food to help us stay healthy. Food providers can now use the stuff on lunch meat and such that’s been sitting around too long without being chilled or heated – food that’s growing.

This sounds like fabulous stuff! You can’t taste it. You don’t even know it’s there. And you don’t have to worry about all the dead bacteria that’s been killed and is still laying around on your food.

Reading about it made me wonder how we could use this stuff at weddings.

How about a virus that eats the alcohol in your Uncle Ned’s bourbon. You mix it in with a little lemon, and he can drink all night without getting drunk.

Or how about a virus that eats certain words?

Or one that eats lousy attitudes?

I’d like to have some specialized viruses at my beck and call during the wedding planning process too. How about one that eats those ridiculous shoes guys have to wear with tuxedos? Or one that eats one decimal point off of every vendor quote?

I’ve got it! How about a really powerful virus that eats a wedding toast every time it starts to embarrass anyone in the room? Man, I wish I could invent that one!

Love

2006-08-20T07:05:00.000-07:00

Love. That’s all you really need, isn’t it? With love, all is right in one’s world – at least it feels that way. And, love is really all there is.

A Course in Miracles says, “What is not love is always fear, and nothing else.” [T15.X.4.5.] How about contemplating that...we’ll talk more about this again soon.

In the meanwhile, think about the idea of keeping love foremost in your heart and mind and as you go about your wedding planning, how you can shine it on all whom you meet regardless of what is going on.

We’re off to Sedona now and will be enveloped in what many say is one of the strongest vortexes in the world. We’ll be talking more about vortexes too in the very near future, the wedding vortex.

For now, though, I leave you with love, I leave you in love. It’s all we ever need. It’s all that we are. It’s all that exists.

And, so it is.

Reach Out

2006-08-19T09:51:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, in shooting for our dream of perfection, we rumble across those in need of our attention. Maybe we don’t leave our footprints on their head. But we look beyond them, trying to stay focused on that goal ahead. And we miss a great opportunity.

Who in your wedding party, among your friends and relatives, is hurting today? That one who comes immediately to mind.

Perhaps you’ll want to take a moment out of your busy planning to pay attention to that one. Just to make contact, to listen.

And when you do, you may find yourself called to action. It may be a big action, or a small one – no matter - you’ll hear the call. Go ahead, respond. Follow the voice of your intuition.

I don’t want you to leave something, or someone important behind in your haste to achieve the perfect wedding. I don’t want you to hurt anyone, intentionally or by omission, in a way that attaches itself to your wedding. I don’t want you to have to deal with that over and over again down the road.

Recall some of the wondrous stories you’ve read or heard about miracles associated with weddings. Don’t most of them have to do with people using the wedding process to reach out somehow to someone at just the right moment, in just the right way? Don’t those miracles create the kind of joy you want for your wedding and your marriage?

Reaching out is one powerful way to choose joy for your wedding. Give it a try.

Wedding Helpers

2006-08-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

We’re Wedding Coaches. That’s different from Wedding Consultants, Pre-marriage Counselors, or Wedding Celebrants. Here’s the difference:

Wedding Consultants are also called Wedding Coordinators or Wedding Planners. They’re professionals trained to see to every need of the bride, from planning wedding details to the last dance. They interview brides about their tastes and vision for their wedding, offer vendor choices, manage vendor contracts, and make sure the event runs smoothly. They’re the bride’s right hand throughout the entire engagement period.

Pre-marriage counselors help couples determine whether or not they’re ready for marriage, sometimes based on a belief system. They help couples better understand each other before their wedding day, including family history, communication issues, personal goals and values, attitudes about money, and dreams for the future.

Wedding Celebrants conduct the wedding ceremony and attend to all necessary legal paperwork. They organize the ceremony and conduct the rehearsal if one is needed. They may assist you in writing a personalized ceremony reflective of your feelings and dreams.

Wedding Coaches help you stay present to your emotions and on task with your planning priorities. They ask hard questions to help you manage you, and they help you hold yourself accountable for being the bride you want to be. They’re about clarity. Coaches work from intuition as well as from technique. Wedding coaches offer tools for building a strong foundation for your marriage.

Our particular approach as Wedding Coaches stems from our belief that your wedding provides a unique opportunity to reshape your relationships with your loved ones in a spirit of joy (www.choosingjoyforyourwedding.com). We hope to inspire and empower couples to choose joy throughout their wedding planning process, on their wedding day, and beyond.

We like to meet with couples early in the wedding planning process, in the middle, and just after the wedding to help you clarify your vision for your wedding and your marriage, and help you hold yourself on the path to realizing that vision.

There may be a little overlap between the different types of wedding helpers; hopefully, we’re each providing a valuable service that supports you on the path to your dreams!

Another Choice

2006-08-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

Are you receiving your experience as a blessing or as a punishment?

How’s that for an in-your-face, top-o-the-morning question?

It made me smile. Last night I was feeling like things had kinda stopped going my way. Like plans and schemes had ground to a halt. As though a handful of obstacles had been sprinkled on my path.

You’ve probably experienced a day or two like that, perhaps even with your wedding planning. Phone calls not returned. Prices higher than you expected. A helper disappears on you. A little spat with your partner.

None of these are particularly earth-shattering by themselves. But in a group, they can bring us down – stop us.

So, are you receiving those experiences as a blessing or as a punishment?

Last night I knew I was making the wrong choice. I knew those obstacles were figments of my imagination. I knew I was stopping myself.

I spent a little time questioning myself. What little wrong thoughts from the day were bugging me? What little uneasiness could I put my finger on? What was disturbing my peace?

I found a couple little things that needed attention. Some little jealousies. Some little judgements. Some little feelings of inadequacy. Just thoughts that had passed by very quickly without my noticing. And had left their mark.

I forgave myself for those thoughts and passed them along to Spirit for correction. Essentially, I blessed them and let them go.

Today, as you go about your wedding planning adventure, and things aren’t going exactly as you expected, try to look upon this experience as a blessing. You don’t need any more punishment!

Who's In Charge?

2006-08-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

Not asking for help means I’m trying to control everything. How silly is that?! I have control over very little. I can’t control the weather, I can’t control the President, and I can’t control the wars raging around the world. I can only control me, and, at times, even that can be questionable.

Well, if I don’t have control over most people, places, and things, why do I try to go it alone? Why don’t I ask for help? It seems to me that if I need something done and cannot do it by myself and I cannot make (control) others do it, then I need to ask for help. Funny, how we are not taught to ask for help and to do is deemed as weakness. I grew up to be Ms. Super Independent; it has served me well to some extend, but it’s made it difficult to ask for help even when I desperately needed it.

We are all connected and we are all in this (world, life) together. How wonderful it actually is to reach out to help someone as well as to ask for help. Think of how great you feel when you’ve helped someone; it’s so satisfying. Most people really enjoy being of service. In this way, we get to know one another a bit better and feel closer to them and our Higher Power. There is joy and love in service.

So if you want people to feel connected at your wedding –even those who’ve never met one another before- get them in the service of helping. It’ll ease your stress, create stronger bonds, and simply bring out the joy inherent in everyone that comes from Spirit. Now, that’s the atmosphere you want to celebrate your marriage in!

What is Your Wedding Budget?

2006-08-13T06:41:00.000-07:00

Here, just for fun, are current results of an ongoing online poll by The Weather Channel:

Less than $10K 53.4%
$10-20K 23.3%
$20-30K 11.6%
$30-40K 3.86%
$40-50K 1.23%
More than $50K 6.33%

How does that make you feel?

Our wedding budget was $5K. We felt that was plenty – all we wanted to spend. We went over budget a little bit, but we had forgotten the rings in our calculation.

As I understand it, the average wedding is running around $25K. I wonder if there’s a tendency to feel a little inadequate if we’re below average. Who likes to be below average?

In this poll, more than 76% of couples ARE below average! Isn’t it interesting to think of how many books in the wedding section at the bookstore, how many slick magazines, and how many newspaper and TV stories focus on the most expensive 1% or 10% of all weddings?

Trouble is, we found we had to be perhaps even more creative not spending money than wealthy brides and their moms are with spending it.

So, I’d like to acknowledge all of you below-average brides! Thanks for keeping it real! Here’s to your creativity, your smart shopping, and your ability to prioritize. Our acknowledgement to you for remembering, almost every day, what’s truly important about your wedding! And for doing that in the face of our crazy culture and its often nutty ideas about weddings!

Beautiful weddings and strong marriages are not a function of money.

Families!

2006-08-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

I got to hear the happenings that went on at a family reunion, and it was interesting since I’ve never been to one. And, this one consisted of more than 100 members!

The stories of the out-of-control 13 year old grandchild drinking beer non-stop up at the family’s lake house...the change of plans for the nth time...the cousins that aren’t asked to help because they’re not deemed capable. And, the stories of the cousins who volunteer to help...the young lady receiving crochet lessons from her dear great aunt...meeting the latest great grandchild who is such a pleasure everyone wants to hug...the cousins having fun playing billiards at the local small town bar. Such a mixture of people, of characters, of dramas.

Amid all the craziness, quirkiness, frustration, and disorganization there is goodness. And, there is a love. They keep on comin’ back each year for more.

And, so it is that amid the mixture of people, of characters, of dramas that will come in and go out along the way of the wedding planning process, there is goodness and love. So go ahead...choose the joy that’s there too!

OK, So I’m Not a Bride

2006-08-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

I keep wondering what it would be like to be a bride. It must be a very strange time – especially judging by the way you’re acting! You know what I mean.

It’s certainly an important transition – a passage, like the rest, without much practice or real training.

I’ve come across two books that help me understand what you’re going through. I’d like to recommend them to you because I hope they’ll help you understand too.

The first is “The Conscious Bride,” by Sheryl Nissinen. Sheryl gets it that you don’t have anyone to talk with now, during the wedding planning process when you most need to talk. It’s hard to talk with your mother, your groom, or even your friends just now. Everything is changing, including your relationships with those you love.

Sheryl’s book is like having those much-needed conversations. It includes extended quotes from brides about what they’re feeling about the issues that surface – or remain veiled – as the wedding approaches. Even though I don’t always agree with her views, the book is valuable, intimate, thought-provoking, and real.

The second book is “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,” by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. I stumbled across this one as I was learning to cope with divorce. I wanted to know what worked as I recreated in my mind a target for my next marriage.

Like “The Conscious Bride,” this book features extensive interviews with real people, who tell the stories of their ups and downs, their thoughts and feelings, and how they worked towards a successful marriage. There’s no right or wrong here – each couple is different and adapts differently to different circumstances.

I found it very encouraging – also intimate, thought-provoking, and real.

We would love to begin fostering meaningful conversations between brides. If you’d like to join in, please contact us! www.ChoosingJoyForYourWedding.com.

In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy these helpful books.

Nice one!

2006-08-10T04:57:00.000-07:00

I really liked that last blog. Did you catch the distinction between compromise and sacrifice?

To quote my honey: “Now there’s a difference between compromise and sacrifice. Compromise is to adjust or settle by mutual concession. Sacrifice is where you give up something of greater value for something of lesser value. BIG difference. How one responds reflects their character and their values.”

Before my first wedding, in our mandatory pre-marital counseling, the monsignor’s talk built up to this final question: “What one word best describes marriage?”

What would your answer be?

The monsignor’s was “sacrifice.” At that moment, in the rush of things, I didn’t think about it too much. I’m a little older and wiser now: I know the monsignor was flat wrong.

When we give up something of greater value for something of lesser value, we feel gypped. We can tell ourselves a little story about that to make it feel ok, and occasionally that might work. But when it keeps happening over and over, pretty soon the stories don’t explain the scoreboard.

You know which scoreboard I’m talking about – the one we keep about the little slights and injustices, the gifts given and received, and the sacrifices.

What we really want is compromise – a fair exchange. Every time. Or at least something that stays balanced most of the time.

It’s interesting to note that sometimes BOTH partners feel like they’ve sacrificed too much – that the scoreboard is out of whack and they’re on the short end. And I can see how they’d end up feeling that way.

My point is simple: don’t sacrifice. Whenever you feel yourself getting a little self-righteous or beginning to sense the balance tipping, STOP. Before you make another decision, have the conversation. Figure out how both of you can contribute to achieve balance. Compromise!

Compromise

2006-08-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

Rog and I went to the Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game last night with a group of business networking friends. It was a great game at Chase Field against the San Francisco Giants. It was so great, so exciting (especially compared to the one we attended back in June against the Los Angeles Angels), that when Rog suggested leaving at the top of the 8th, I was surprised, and frankly wanted to stay. But after discussing it briefly and thinking about how Rog’s day had been, the (kind of) late hour it was, and the long business day Rog was going to have the next day, I agreed we should leave. No anger, no frustration. Just glad to be with my honey, my partner.

This type of response to a suggestion is no small feat. Putting someone else’s welfare before my own self-centeredness at times is not something that comes naturally to me. I’m grateful that I’m developing this ability. It’s being cultivated mainly through the practice of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions in all of my daily affairs in life. And, with my beloved, Roger, it actually comes pretty easy – naturally. We are able to “walk in the other person’s moccasins” and agree to a mutually-acceptable solution.

Now there’s a difference between compromise and sacrifice. Compromise is to adjust or settle by mutual concession. Sacrifice is where you give up something of greater value for something of lesser value. BIG difference. How one responds reflects their character and their values.

So where do you fit in? Do you consider one another’s feelings and position when making a decision? Or, is one of you the hostage taker, always getting your way? How do wedding planning decisions get made? Is it whatever the bride wants? Then where does that leave the groom? And, what does that reflect about your partnership?

I know that I want to be in a holy relationship with my honey and I want to treat him as lovingly as I treat myself. That may mean compromise at times. Hopefully, it always entails love and compassion. And, when necessary, forgiveness.

Together

2006-08-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

The other day Rog and I had errands to run and appointments scheduled 10 minutes apart with the same chiropractor. We were trying to figure out the logistics, i.e., go together in one car or two. It came down to Roger saying “I want to be with you.” And that cinched it. It may have been more time effective and efficient to take separate vehicles, but we just wanted to be together.

No, we’re not co-dependent; we’re just such best friends (and more) that we just want to spend as much time together as we can. We each have an individual life and alone, private time, but the bulk of our time is usually spent with one another. It’s really quite blissful. Together ... with my Life Partner, my soul mate, my husband. Ahhh.

Is that how you two feel about one another? Or, at least something like that especially since you’re newly engaged and ecstatic to have had your relationship reach this level of commitment? If that be the case, don’t you, Bride, want your groom to go about the planning of the wedding with you? And, what about you, Groom, don’t you want to spend as much time as you can with your beloved, including the planning of your wedding? [Ya know, it’s both of yours wedding...]

Rog and I are fortunate that we are both independent consultants and hence have a great deal of flexibility in our schedules and freedom to go with it. Plus, one of our business ventures is jointly owned and operated. Thus, we are able to be in one another’s company a lot more than folks who work 9-5 jobs. I just cannot imagine day-in, day-out, week-in, week-out, months, etc. not being with Rog for all those hours. We can both be working in our individual home offices, but we’re still together.

I hope that you feel this way about one another – now and forever. Remember, you may not always be able to spend as much time together as you’d like to down the road as you grow your life and family. How about using this time as an opportunity to be with your honey as much as possible? Work on the wedding plans together, and really get to know one another and build your team. You’ll not only be laying the foundation for your marriage, but you’ll be spending time with your best friend. Such a deal. Who wouldn’t want to?

On Your Mark, Get Set, GO!

2006-08-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

You’ve prepared and planned your whole life for this shot at the big prize. Let the competition begin!

Who’s got the biggest diamond? Ten points.

Whose fiancé made the most creative proposal? Ten points.

Who spent the most on her dress? Ten points.

Who’s got the best music of all time? Ten points.

Who’s got the most relatives flying in? Ten points.

Who’s got the most bridesmaids? Ten points.

Who came up with the most original favor for the reception? Ten points.

Who’s best man made the best toast? Ten points.

Who’s wedding party created the most drama? Ten points.

OK, that’s enough. Do we have to compare every little detail to the weddings we saw on TV? The ones we read about in those glossy magazines? The ones we’ve attended? The ones our family has put on over the past century?

Do we have to evaluate every single detail against perfection?

No, ladies and gentlemen, we do not.

We could be in the moment, enjoying the moment. That’s a thought. We could forget the past and invest this moment’s energy in choosing joy. We could stop comparing and just start being.

The best of those wedding books you’re reading will remind you that it’s the mistakes – yes, the mistakes – that form the lifelong memories you will retell and laugh about in years to come.

So, maybe it’s OK to drive yourself crazy obsessing over perfection. That way you’ve got a decent shot at winning the big prize:

Best mistake at a wedding? 1000 points

The Attack

2006-08-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

Does it feel sometimes as though he’s attacking you? I know you love him. And you know he loves you. Still, he’s starting to really know your hot buttons. And when he gets into a mood, he starts pushing them all. Then it feels like an attack.

Does it feel sometimes as though she’s attacking you? I know you love her. And you know she loves you. But she can really get under your skin. When she gets on a roll, she can bring you to your knees like no one else can. That’s when it feels like an attack.

We don’t think of it as an attack – it would just be too nasty, too awful to call it that. But that’s certainly what it feels like. And feeling attacked by someone you love is devastating. Period.

Is this the way it will always be between you? Of course, after the attack, there’s a cooling-down period, then a reconciliation. That can be wonderful – quite romantic. Still, do we have to endure this crazy cycle of attack? And for how long? Can we stand it for the rest of our lives? Do we choose it?

You might say this is just how it is between people – between lovers. I think there’s a better way.

How about thinking of your attacker as your savior?

Someone once said that these nasty words coming at us are like a gift: we can choose not to accept them. No, don’t send them back! Just let them go.

The attack is a cry for help. When you’re being attacked, hear that cry. Don’t react to the anger. Listen for the cry for help. That’s when you can be the savior. That’s when you can really help. That’s when you can be the most important person in the world for your partner.

And when you notice that you’re cutting loose on your loved one, pushing all their buttons, remember that’s your savior you’re attacking. That one is the one that will listen, will understand, will forgive.

Peace

2006-08-04T06:34:00.000-07:00

What does peace mean to you? Please take a moment to think about that little question. Do you have an answer?

It could mean the absence of attack, disharmony, upset, interruption, hate, judgment. You know, that bunch of terrible words that describe what we want to get away from.

There are positive words to describe peace, but we usually think of peace as what’s left over when the junk is removed.

OK, let’s talk about your wedding planning. Would you say it’s characterized by an absence of attack, disharmony, upset, interruption, hate, and judgment? Would you describe it as a peaceful process?

If you can’t, how do you think you’re going to end up with a peaceful wedding? Surely you don’t believe that war leads to peace? We’ve been through that for a bazillion years and all those wars seem to keep leading to more wars.

And if an unpeaceful planning process leads to an unpeaceful wedding, what’s in store for your marriage? Don’t fool yourself by thinking that things will suddenly change when you and your honey are alone again and this is all over.

Oh, you might get a breather for awhile. Then the seeds you’re sowing today will begin to sprout and grow. Those are the seeds of discord.

Please pay attention to your peace. Notice what impinges on your peace in every moment. Notice it quickly and take action to restore your peace. Help your honey know when he/she is losing their peace. Help him/her take action to restore their peace. Isn’t that the kind of partner you want?

We all want and deserve peace. Peace is possible. As John Lennon said, “All we are saying is give peace a chance.” How about today?

Listen Up, Guys!

2006-08-02T06:04:00.000-07:00

I just learned that the wedding biz is an $80 billion-per-year operation. And you get to pick out your tux. Maybe.

One of the biggest days of your life and you’re playing the bookend. The trophy.

Let’s face it: this day is all about judgment for a lot of your relatives, your in-laws, and your bride’s friends. Who stacks up where. There’s little chance you’re going to come out of this a hero.

Perhaps you’re different. You’re the exception. You insist on being a full partner in the wedding planning process and even the wedding itself. You show up to take an active part in selecting the bridal gown and picking out the flowers. You insist on co-authoring the vows.

If you’re not that guy, I’m not blaming you. I’m noticing that history and tradition work to sideline grooms. Everybody expects you to know what’s going on, what’s right and what’s hip, what to say and how to look. But you don’t have a clue. Why would you? You haven’t been sitting around since you were four years old reading glossy bridal magazines, gawking at brides, and planning your dream day.

Problem is, you may end up like someone’s dad, who always told him “I always get the last words in with your mother: ‘Yes, dear.’”

Even if you step up to the plate, you may find the inning just ended and you’re due back in left field.

What to do? Just show up. Ask questions. Risk looking stupid. Support your bride as best you can. Don’t let up. You’ll get it. Just keep being there in the game. You’ll get your chance.

And don’t forget to smile. Maybe, in a generation or two, we’ll swing this thing back our way! A little…

In the Flow

2006-08-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an unusual day. In our vernacular, that really just means it was another adventure.

Rog and I drove to his daughter Em’s house nearby to take her and her honey, Jed, and her brother, Nick, to the airport. We’d allowed plenty of time so that we could break bread together before they took off for a week in the Midwest.

When everyone was ready, I went to start up my car (affectionately known as Espiritu) and she refused to. Turned out she needed some new energy, i.e., a new battery. Long story short, we jump started her, loaded passengers and luggage into her and drove to the airport, making sure we didn’t turn off the ignition. The kids got to the airport in plenty of time and we headed back east to find a battery store. We got a new battery installed and were on our way within a half-hour.

What was interesting about this adventure for me was the experience of the calmness and amiability of all of the people and the way in which what followed flowed smoothly. Even in the face of what could have been an otherwise disastrous situation, all went well and there was peace. What made this so?

I think inherent in each of us there is a place where there is total peace and love. And, a knowing that there is a power greater than ourselves that wants only good for us and uses everything for our upliftment (this from the ex-atheist!). We can call upon these inner traits at all times which then influence outcomes and our life experiences. We just have to make a choice. Yesterday we all chose to operate in love and not fear and the universe paved the way for us.

So it is with your wedding planning, the wedding reception, your honeymoon, your marriage, and everything else in your life. You can call on that inner peace and love and faith, and model it for others to bring forth theirs. And when this is the atmosphere in which we come together to join two lives, two souls, we can be certain, yes certain, that joy will be there too.

Just a Wedding

2006-07-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

In the overall scheme of things, where does your wedding stand?

Compared to today’s current events say, or to the history of the 20th century. Or our solar system. Or issues like justice and equality.

OK, I didn’t mean to make you feel small. I was just hoping to help you take things a little less seriously for a moment. Your decision on the yellow-vs-white-cake issue isn’t going to cause an earthquake or even move the price of gasoline a penny.

But your wedding can make a difference. I’m working with the founder of a non-profit organization that brings unconditional love to kids who’ve never experienced it. She’s changing the world by breaking a cycle of lovelessness.

And you can too. Your wedding is truly a statement of who you are. By that statement, you change the world.

You can redistribute a lot of wealth in a hurry with your wedding. That’s one kind of statement you can make about yourself.

And you can spread a lot of joy in a hurry at your wedding. That makes a strong statement too.

Your decisions for joy and the moments of joy you generate change the lives of everyone they touch. They ripple out into the world, making a statement about what’s important.

Please take a moment to consider the messages you’re sending as you make decisions for your wedding today. Maybe you can’t bring about world peace. Then again, maybe you can.

Last Minute Joy

2006-07-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Paul, who’s helping us develop our book “Choosing Joy for Your Wedding,” asked us how late in the wedding planning we felt we could impact joy at the wedding through our wedding coaching.

Interesting question.

After thinking a moment, I told him I believe we could increase joy at a wedding substantially by having a brief session with the bride and groom right before the wedding ceremony. I remember huddling with Joyce and Reverend Karen for a couple minutes before our ceremony began. She helped get us dialed in for the big moment, and cemented that through intention and prayer. Thank you, Karen!

Joyce and I think we could have an even greater effect by making an interactive presentation at the rehearsal dinner, when everyone in the gang is all together.

It doesn’t take much to help people remember why we’re all gathered: to celebrate the joining of two people in love and joy. Even though most of us quickly agree, we also quickly forget.

It’s too easy to get caught in the vortex – too easy to allow our attitudes to get dragged down by the drama.

What would it be like if your wedding party spent a few moments together at the rehearsal dinner remembering what is important, and perhaps sharing a brief conversation about what that means to them and how they intend to reflect it at your wedding?

It could be a lot of fun. Why not give it a try?

Remembering Joy

2006-07-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

In his book Choosing Joy at Work, Rog suggests thinking about a joyful event in order to bring you back to the feeling of joy when you have strayed.

As our two-year date-a-versary nears, I was musing this morning (aka ‘trying’ to meditate) about the first face-to-face encounter between Rog and me. And, I just couldn’t help but grin from ear-to-ear and feel my heart swell with joy. It was wonderful.

We, of course, can go through this exercise anytime, anywhere, with anything. Feeling crummy about your dress size and procrastinating going gown shopping? Remember when your honey said he loves you for your spirit, not your body. Fretting that the best photographer in town won’t be available for your big day? Think about the surprise, fun photo taken when you and your honey got engaged. Concerned about the honeymoon plans? Daydream about that wonderful trip you took to the Caribbean. Shoot for the platinum, shoot for feeling the joy.

No matter the current situation, there are plenty of ‘Kodak’ moments that can bring back the feeling of joy. We just need to bring them into focus. The joy will follow and dealing with the current situation will be made easier.

This practice is a way to uplift your spirit and put your mind in positive mode. Let’s not forget, it is a way to bring you back to your birthright of joy. You just have to make the conscious choice. And, it’s always about choice.

Two Worlds

2006-07-25T16:19:00.000-07:00

Our neighbor dropped in the other day to chat and have me sign his copy of my book. You know, sitting around the kitchen table, looking like we’d all been working around the house all day. Newspapers and stuff everywhere. Just meaningful conversation.

We talked a lot about brides and grooms. Dave is a counselor and we were eager to tell him about Choosing Joy For Your Wedding and to get his take on the wedding planning process.

He works mostly with couples after their wedding, when difficulties arise. What he sees most often is people from two different worlds who are struggling to meld those worlds together.

Often the worlds we come from are clear or clean. They give us a lot of baggage to haul forward into our new lives together. It may be just an interesting metaphor, but when Joyce and I moved in together, we had too much stuff. We simply couldn’t fit it into our house or our new relationship.

Sorting out your baggage and working with your new partner is like giving birth to a new world. And giving birth to an entire world goes a lot smoother with help. I wish couples could talk with Dave BEFORE they get married. Counselors can help you see your world as it really is, and facilitate the transition to the world you want to create together.

But here’s how it often turns out: Dave has lived next door for almost a year. He and his family are moving out of state in less than two weeks. We’ve been talking about getting together for coffee the whole time. We have managed to read each other’s books, but other than that, it’s been quick chats in the driveway.

Here we are so close, yet living in two worlds. And now it’s over. Please don’t let this happen to you and your honey.

Meaningful Conversations Part II

2006-07-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

What kind of meaningful conversation are you, the bride and groom, having these days with one another?

Talking about which style cummerbund the groomsmen should wear or the reasons for choosing shrimp scampi over Shrimp Louie for the menu is not meaningful conversation. That said, how you are communicating with one another and what you are feeling is reflected in such conversation. And, that is where meaningful conversation can take off from.

Bride, if your honey is showing irritation, don’t ignore it. It is a cry for love. Find out what’s bugging him. Don’t be shy. If this is the man you are planning to spend the rest of your life with – after all, that’s a pretty long time –, you should be able to talk about anything and everything. And, it's natural you want to know what is disturbing him and how you might be able to help.

Groom – don’t think you’re getting out of this – you too need to observe what’s being conveyed during discussions as you and your fiancée go through the planning process. And, if she is teary-eyed more than usual, ask her what’s going on and how might you help her.

At such times, the most important thing to remember is your love for one another and your desire to have a wedding that is joyful and full of love.

This wedding planning adventure is a wonderful opportunity to see how each of you works and conducts yourself. It’s a time to get to know one another more deeply and really become a team. Why wait until you’re married? I’ve always said that the best way to find out a person’s values and personality is to work with them. Forget the living together — that’s about discovering how they squeeze the toothpaste!

So, the wedding planning process is not only a wonderful time to have meaningful conversations with your friends and family. It’s a great time to have meaningful conversations (and to practice your listening skills) with your life partner and thereby reach a deeper level of intimacy.

And, remember, it’s always a choice.

Meaningful Conversations

2006-07-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

Imagine for a moment the last time you were in a meaningful conversation.

My daughter Sally used to have a poster on her wall that said:

Shallow people talk about other people
Average people talk about events
Great people talk about ideas

Or something pretty close. Meaningful conversations involve all three, in a spirit of seeking the truth.

In meaningful conversation, people are free to speak their mind. And eager to do so because judging is avoided. Questions are asked to probe deeper into thoughts and feelings in an effort to understand and help.

Anyway, I’ve long believed that we humans crave meaningful conversation. And I’m in action to create a self-sustaining system for generating meaningful conversations. It’s wonderful to watch our system develop. People in meaningful conversation are beautiful to watch. And they’re grateful for the opportunity.

The point for your wedding is this: what sort of meaningful conversations are you having about your wedding process and, oh yeah, the marriage that follows? And with whom?

It’s my bet there are a lot of people involved in your life who would love an opportunity for such a meaningful conversation with you. Besides that, there are loads of other brides and grooms around who would also join a meaningful conversation if they could.

Perhaps you aren’t able to join us at Conversation Point for a meaningful conversation about your wedding. But I challenge you to see if you can’t bring more meaning to the conversations you’ll have to today.

A Holy Relationship

2006-07-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

“For an unholy relationship is based on differences, where each one thinks the other has what he has not. They come together, each to complete himself and rob the other.”

“… and so they wander through a world of strangers, unlike themselves, living with their bodies perhaps under a common roof that shelters neither; in the same room and yet a world apart.”

I’ll break it off right there. Compare that description to this one:

“A holy relationship starts from a different premise. Each one has looked within and seen not lack. Accepting his completion, he would extend it by joining another, whole as himself.”

“What then has joined them? Reason will tell you that they must have seen each other through a vision not of the body, and communicated in a language the body does not speak. Nor could it be a fearful sight or sound that drew them gently into one. Rather, in each the other saw a safe shelter where his Self could be reborn in safety and in peace.”

Maybe I’m pushing the envelope a little here with these quotes from A Course In Miracles. On the other hand, I think these are powerful ideas that can shape marriage. It may take a while to comprehend these words, and longer to find yourself practicing them with your partner. Still, I think this is where we’re going – where we want to be.

It begins with looking inside yourself and seeing no lack. Tell yourself over and over “I AM good enough!”

We’re bombarded by the opposite message from the world from the moment we’re born. It’s sometimes loud and in your face: “You’ll never amount to anything!” And sometimes more subtle : You don’t look anything like that cover girl.

We need to take strong and persistent counter-measures. Only then can we look inside and see no lack. Only then can we begin to feel like the sons and daughters of God we were created to be. Only then can we begin a holy relationship.

Let’s get to work!

How the Time Flies

2006-07-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as some of you may know, was Rog and my two year wink-a-versary. It was two years ago that Rog initiated our coming together through a wink via the Internet.

Who was to know what an adventure the ensuing times would be! And, now, whoosh – it’s been two years!

I feel very blessed to have such a man as Rog in my life. And, I got to be his committed partner, his wife. I could not ask for more in a husband, a best friend, a lover, a soul mate. Thank You, Spirit! The wait was worth it.

That said, I am grateful that every day I am moved to express my feelings of love and gratitude directly to this dear man. My idea(l) of marriage is that of two healthy individuated people coming together and the overflow of who they are is combined into this third entity, the relationship. And, each is nurtured and supported by the other and the relationship to grow into all they can be. My idea has been realized with Rog.

Hearing some other people who are in marriages and other committed relationships talk about their partner and relationship can be a real downer – and quite an eye opener. We all make our choices, and for whatever reasons they may have, many couples choose to stay in relationships that are not loving or fulfilling, all that one would hope for in a relationship like a marriage. There are the others of course who divorce, sometimes even when they still love one another but everyday matters and ego-focused thinking have buried their true feelings.

Yep, it’s been two years of my being in relationship with the same guy – a record for me! I felt confident enough that Rog was The Man that within weeks we sere seriously talking about spending the rest of our lives together and actually got married a mere seven months after The Wink. Two years of unconditional, healing love and endless expression of love (and much, much more). We have at least 48 more years together and I intend that our daily expressions of love and gratitude will continue. It was my choice to not compromise on my values and to keep searching for Mr. Right. Now that he’s here, I continually choose to grow that love and express it to The Man who is all about choosing, and choosing joy.

Wink

2006-07-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

You never know where things are going. Two years ago today, I winked Joyce on Match.com. A simple gesture, innocent enough. Then whoosh!

It shouldn’t have even happened. I was living in Tucson and narrowed my search there. Joyce was living in Gilbert and was looking for a guy close to home. Our profiles never should have touched in cyberspace. But they did.

When I read her profile, I fell for her clearly stated high standards and direct way of writing. I had made a list of “what I was looking for” in a wife, partner, lover, companion, and soulmate. Could she be the one?

I’m a shy guy, so I decided not to even put one foot forward – I just winked.

She emailed a reply and we were off, emails flying. Less than ten days later, we met. Ten weeks later, we were engaged. Four months after that, we were married.

And our lives haven’t slowed down a bit.

I was just looking for a girl friend. At least that’s the story I was telling myself. What I really wanted was what I got: unconditional love. It all started with a wink. As my Brooklyn Babe would say: “Who knew?”

Evaluate

2006-07-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

“...Each time you choose,... your choice is your evaluation of yourself.” - A Course in Miracles, T15.III.2.1

The definition of the word evaluate is “to determine the significance, worth, or condition of usually by careful appraisal and study” as per Merriam-Webster Online.

Hmmm, that’s something to think about... Every choice I make shows what I think about myself, what I think I’m worth. The clothes I choose to wear, the activities I engage in, and of course the people I choose to surround myself with. All reflect back to me what I think of myself. You’ve heard the expression “Birds of a feather flock together” – well what does that flock say about what I think about myself? If I hang out with a crowd of people who are boisterous, hurt others with their remarks, and are disrespectful, one of two things is evident. Either I have those same character traits or, I’d better rethink why I’m with those dudes!

What statement am I making when I choose what’s not in alignment with what I really want? This idea pertains to everything in my life, including my wedding plans.

When Rog and I got engaged and started making wedding plans, one of the first items on the list was guests. Since our intention was to have a joyful, fun, loving time, we wanted to invite people who would embrace that intention and help foster it. My family? Not! If I were to make a choice that was a true evaluation of myself and in alignment with my values, I would have to choose to not invite the few family members I have. I knew I’d catch some flack for it -- despite my warning folks in advance that we would probably have a very small wedding. You’d think it’d be easier since they all lived out of state -- but what was the alternative? That our wedding be full of bickering and coldness, that I betray myself? So, no Kaye family members at our nuptials! It was a wonderful, joyful, overwhelmingly love-filled event. I have no regrets for choosing the guests we did.

It takes courage to stand up for what you believe, but first you have to believe you’re worth the standing up for. So as you make your wedding plans, this is an opportune time to be a bit self-centered and think about what YOU really want. Now, if others are making monetary or similar contributions, you may have to make compromises. What are you willing to compromise? Anything? This is your most special day in your life and I encourage you to think about what’s really important and stand by it.

I’ve learned that when someone or something feels comfortable, then I’m on the right track. And, I’ve also learned that if it doesn’t feel comfortable, I can choose once again. And, I can always choose joy.

Unconditional Love in the Snow

2006-07-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

We made it through our snow day yesterday. It took a couple naps, a movie, and a mess of Italian food, but somehow, we made it.

The snow piled up a bit and we had to get after it this Monday morning. But that’s ok, I was ready. I had a full dose of unconditional love in my tank.

Recently I’ve started working with a friend who runs a nonprofit organization dedicated to delivering "healing pet therapy to abused, neglected and at-risk children, nurturing their ability to love and trust; thereby freeing them from the cycle of violence."

Basically, teams of dogs and humans visit kids who’ve never experienced unconditional love, and the dogs go to work doing what they do best.

It’s always kinda bothered me that dogs are so good at getting this right and we more advanced life forms seem clueless. Well, at least much of the time.

All day yesterday during our snow day, Joyce just seemed to be all about expressing unconditional love. I can’t really describe how it felt to be on the receiving end. It was wonderful. It makes me feel like declaring every day a snow day and never leaving the house.

On the other hand, if I do have to go out, I feel like I can lovingly take on any interruption to my peace. I’m glad our kids around town are getting a taste of unconditional love. It’s one step towards manifesting it in their marriages.

And I’m glad I have Joyce.

Take a Snow Day

2006-07-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

We are often human doings instead of human beings.

With the hot, HOT days of summer in southern Arizona, it’s a good time to take a break from it all and relax. Sit quietly. Meditate. Read. Snuggle (as long as there’s air conditioning!). Rog and I call such days lazing around “snow days,” like the ‘free’ days we got off from school or work because the snow was too much to slog through. Back east of course, not here in Phoenix. Here, when it’s 115 degrees, we find it quite refreshing to declare a Snow Day for a number of reasons!

This is so important particularly for the brides and grooms who are super human doings as they go about their wedding planning. Take time to breathe and enjoy one another’s company. Take time to be alone with your self, your spirit.

Each of us needs time to replenish ourselves spiritually, emotionally, and physically. You may have heard the story of the wise old man who said that he meditated one hour every day. When asked how long he meditated when he was really busy, he replied, “Two hours.” By taking time out to rejuvenate ourselves, we will most likely find afterwards that we are energized, more focus, more efficient, and better able to feel the joy within.

And, it really doesn’t have to take a lot of time. I know how busy you are with running around looking for a reception hall, interviewing DJs, shopping for your bridal wardrobe, etc. But I know you can call a time-out for ten minutes a day so you can really enjoy the wedding planning process and one another. It can really make a difference in your body and your spirit, not to mention your relationship. Think about it...try it out. Let me know how it goes. You could even take a full day off and not even think about or discuss the wedding at all - what a concept, what a break it would be!

And so with that, I think I’ll go wake my honey who’s been renewing himself with a two-hour long nap. Maybe we’ll just declare today a Snow Day.

A Nice Little Wake-up Call

2006-07-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

Joyce and I enjoyed happy hour and appetizers with a couple we met through our Writers' Conversations. Besides being thoroughly enjoyable, I received a quick reminder of something very important about our marriage.

While the ladies were away from the table, Steve and I exchanged notes about our writing. He mentioned that throughout his entire life, until connecting with his honey, no one had ever told him he was good enough. We shared a toast to that.

It is the universal message of our society: you’re not good enough. Not smart enough. Not rich enough. Not happy enough. Not focused enough. Not talented enough. Not strong enough. Not fast enough.

You know the message. We started getting it when we were little. Sometimes it was subtle; sometimes not. Can you remember just one time when someone told you you’d never make it – never amount to anything? Most of us can.

But stop right there. No need to dwell on it. There is an antidote. It works immediately and brings instant relief.

That antidote is unconditional love. No judgment. Just accepting you as you are - loving you as you are.

When you receive this unconditional love, strange things happen. Powerful things. Suddenly, you ARE a writer. You gain access to talents and energy that’s been waiting to get out. You express that love back into the world in ways that surprise you.

So, I want you to get this wedding thing right. You gotta experience this unconditional love with your partner!

Growing Up

2006-07-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

I think I’m starting to get why it is such a huge deal for a young lady to marry and leave her family to go live with a husband.

In reading Chicken Soup for the Bride’s Soul, the stories in the section Who Giveth? have provided me with a window into why this marriage thing - not just the wedding planning - can be a downright traumatic experience for some folks (brides and grooms, mothers and fathers).

I remained single until I was close to 50 years old. In the time before marrying Roger, I had lived on my own for more than 25 years. I’d never enjoyed a close connection with either of my parents and I was quite happy to move out of my childhood home and into my own digs. I built a life full of friends, work, and service and spent a lot of time learning about myself, people, and the world, and becoming more and more of who I was meant to be. It took me some time to learn that I had choices in life – it was quite a concept but I finally got it. Now, I practice it regularly. I choose to not hover in the past. I choose to say ‘Yes!” to life. I choose joy.

When I married Roger, there was none of this looking back pining to feel the comfort of my childhood – I would have certainly been too old for that even if that’s how my childhood had been! It was just The Now and The Future with my very best friend on the planet. Talk about joy!

Despite not really knowing the love and protection of a mother and father, I see how my childhood and my single years served me well. And, I realize my situation is somewhat unique. When I married, my father didn’t give me away to another man. I consciously, willingly, and lovingly gave myself to my Life Partner, who I’d been seeking most of my life. Why indeed would I look to the past when The Man was in my life - finally – now? Joy. Joy. Joy.

While the love between parents and their children is a wonderful feeling and experience, it can create difficulties in learning how to live life on life’s terms, to growing up. Joseph Barth said “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” While I would have welcomed a healthy, loving relationship with my folks, I’m grateful for the path I chose, which helped me to gain wisdom as it steered me to spread my wings and learn about life and relationships. I’m glad I did a lot of growing up before marrying so that I could enter into my sacred commitment - to the man I’d waited for most of my life - in a conscious, joyful manner.

Drek

2006-07-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

Leave it to my honey to put Dracula and Suzie Q., chopped liver and wedding cake all in the same blog!

But isn’t that how weddings are?

It’s not just Dracula who shows up. Often the Mummy and Aunt Morticia arrive as well. And it’s not just good old Suzie Q. from kindergarten. She brought her husband Bugs and their three little stooges. And what about Bob?

You’re offering a choice between the ubiquitous chicken dish and a nice little fillet mignon. But Aunt Sally is on a special diet and must have chopped liver on Saturdays or she will absolutely perish.

And oh, the wedding cake! We could go on for days about this little glob of cardboard and sugar and the trouble it’s caused!

So what? Who needs all this? Where’s the joy?

Joyce is right. There’s way too much clutter in our lives and that does extend beyond all of those things-I-might-need-some-day. It extends to people-I-somehow-have-an-obligation-too.

Do not try to remember exactly why you have these obligations – it won’t stand up in court. It’ll make you crazy. Uncle Oliver probably pulled you out of a well when you were a kid – right? Suzie Q. was the only one who gave you a valentine in first grade.

Now that I think about it, your wedding could be a great excuse to clean the garage – and I mean the WHOLE garage. Hmmm. Then you’ll have room for all those great wedding gifts!

People Clutter

2006-07-10T05:18:00.000-07:00

While we’re on the subject of clutter and deciding what stays and what goes, I’d like to remind all of us that this applies not just to physical inanimate objects.

Clutter attracts clutter - the Law of Attraction is at work always, in all ways! But what about people clutter? You know, all the people that you struggle to keep social ties with even though their energy is not really in sync with your own.

Do you really want to keep in touch with Suzy Q. from kindergarten days, who lives clear across the country, holds few values in common with you, and only contacts you when she needs something? And especially at wedding planning time, what about those relatives as well as friends, who are negative and would sap your joy in a New York minute (or less)?

Feng shui the people in your life! With time and energy precious, prioritize those beings that add to your emotional and spiritual state and let go of those who drain your blood like Dracula. Who really ups your joy-o-meter when you’re in their energy field?

We live busy lives - and engaged couples live even busier ones. We all need to strengthen our positive energy and surround ourselves with people, places, and things that serve to increase that energy. Why not choose to tap into the love and joy energy more and more?

As you go about rearranging your lives to create your future together, decide which parts of the “people clutter” you want to retain and which you want to bid arrivederci.

Now I’m not saying you don’t care about these folks nor that you should discard them like last week’s leftover chopped liver. But be mindful of who is enhancing your life. Then, in a compassionate, loving way, take steps to move away from those who don’t harmonize with you. There is no right or wrong here, no blame. You’re just moving on.

As you de-clutter your life, set your intention to be the joyful person you truly are. You’ll attract joyful relationships and be surrounded by joyful circumstances. And, then, a joyful wedding will be a piece of cake.

Feng Shui Part Two

2006-07-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

When Rev. J and I made a commitment to create a space in our lives for Choosing Joy for Your Wedding, it was a big commitment – but a little space. If you look at our to-do list, if it’s updated, you’ll probably find way more there than anyone can reasonable expect to do. You know the story?

In our effort to increase the space in our lives for helping brides and grooms with their weddings, we’ve taken a few steps. Yesterday, we took a physical step.

Clearing out overloaded shelves near the front entry to our home is part of an overall effort to simplify our lives – and reduce the clutter. When stuff came off of those shelves, it either had to be assimilated into the rest of our stuff or be banished to the garage where we maintain a growing pile of items to donate.

Decision time: What’s important? What’s not? What do we really, really want in our lives? What can we do without?

So it is for you. You’ve already begun rearranging your lives to accommodate your future partners. This means reducing clutter. And making a bunch of decisions about what stays and what goes. You’re making these changes to create space to plan your wedding; and you’re making changes to create space for your new partnership.

The things I liked about our little feng shui exercise are that we made a statement about how it’s going to be, and we made that statement together.

Our statement set a few standards: focused, conscious, uncluttered, committed, beautiful, joyful. Every time we look at our little wedding shrine, we’ll be recommitting to these standards.

I love that we did this together. Every bit of it speaks of US.

I encourage you to follow Joyce’s suggestion in the previous blog. Make a statement in three dimensions about your intentions and standards for your wedding and your marriage. And do it together!

Feng Shui Your Joy

2006-07-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

This afternoon Rog and I set up a sort of altar to propel our intention of helping couples choose joy for their wedding through our work which includes private coaching, workshops, officiating at weddings, and writing out our message. We employed the little we know about feng shui, rules in Chinese philosophy that govern spatial arrangement and orientation in order to harmonize with the spiritual forces that inhabit them.

So now our entrance way hutch is filled with a pair of candles (a gift for our wedding), two red hearts, etc. We have photos of ourselves as well as other married couples. We have some of the cards we’ve given to one another. And on it goes.

Our hope is that our work in this area will continue to flourish and that we will be able to help more and more couples choose joy for their wedding and beyond. Feng shui is a way to invite the universe to help us strengthen our intention and yield the expected outcome. I employed some of these principles when I was working on The Man Project (see: Holding the Vision, 06/05/06).

Why not do the same? Let the universe know your intention of creating a joyful wedding. You can dedicate a space as the holding area for your joyful wedding. Here you can place all the lists, samples, engagement/wedding gifts, photos of you and your honey, etc. you’re compiling for your celebration and life together. In addition, this will afford you the opportunity to be organized – after all there’s already enough chaos surrounding the wedding planning. Whenever you’re in this space or simply looking at it, you’ll be able to feel the joy that the energy in the space is shouting out to you. And when – not if – things get a little hairy, you can just retreat to it and know that all well. It is a way to remember and to choose joy, in that moment and onward.

Blogation

2006-07-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

We made a commitment to each other that we’d post a blog every day. And, that we’d alternate days. No problem.

Except when life gets in the way. Or we forget. Or we mess up whose day it is.

And then we come through for each other, usually. We both really do want to honor our commitment to post daily, and one or the other will sneak one in if it looks like our partner is struggling to make their turn.

I like that about partners. It’s not each one giving 50% - it’s each one giving 100%. It’s knowing that together we’ll find a way to honor our commitments not just to each other, but to the world out there.

I hope that’s how it is when you plan your wedding. I hope you two share a commitment to a joyful celebration and a joyful marriage. I hope you pick each other up when it looks like you might not make your part of the commitment. I hope you restore the joy even when it’s not your turn.

The two of us together are not Joyce’s strengths and weaknesses plus mine; we’ve become some third entity that’s more than either of us. We feed and grow and nurture this entity daily.

Don’t wait until the wedding to get started. It takes practice. It takes two healthy people working together. Which is exactly what your wedding planning needs today!

Move Over, Blondie

2006-07-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

As a groom, you’re either an idiot, a dummy, or a prop. So I learned while scoping the wedding section at our local bookstore. Grooms are a sorry lot indeed. You can read about them if you know how to use an index.

I’m sure you already knew this: weddings are ALL about the bride.

Well, not really. If you’re a groom who actually wants to assume a major role in planning, perhaps even co-planning the wedding, you’re a marvel, a delight, a perfect mate, and a rare bird. You’re a thoroughly modern dude.

But, there are limits to what’s considered acceptable participation even for you. Of course you should feel free to pay for stuff. But don’t think you’re going to have anything to say about the bride’s gown.

Except telling your honey how terrific she looks. That’s appropriate for grooms participating on every level. In fact, it’s required.

Grooms who prefer to let their brides call all the shots – i.e., “Just tell me when and where to show up and what to wear.” – are considered props. Even props have a role to play. Props appear at key moments and pretend to be supportive of their brides. Yep, that’s the recommendation.

You can find out about all this in books like “Weddings for Dummies,” “Writing Vows for Idiots,” and various other moderately interesting and mildly insulting books published to help you understand the ins and outs of planning your wedding as you stock your new bookshelves with your honey.

I find all of this highly entertaining, because if I didn’t I’d probably puke.

If a marriage is an equal partnership – and what other kind of partnership would you want – why does it begin with this crazy approach? And why would we dignify it by calling it “etiquette?”

I’m going to throw out a theory. See what you think. The twenty-gazillion-dollar wedding industry, which kindly keeps us posted on current etiquette, believes, rightly or wrongly, that brides tend to spend A LOT more money on weddings than grooms would. Therefore, let’s keep the guys as far away from decision-making as possible.

Just a theory. But while I’ve got your attention, have you heard the latest blond joke…

Gratitude Schmatitude

2006-07-04T03:11:00.000-07:00

What do I have to be grateful for anyway?

Well, there’s Joyce. Her unconditional love is certainly a blessing. She’s smart and fun too.

I guess I’m thankful for my kids. They do enrich my life.

Oh, and mom and dad, and my brother. They’ve given me a lot.

I’ve made a lot of terrific friends since I moved to Gilbert. Now that I think of it, I have some pretty terrific friends back in Tucson and scattered around the country too.

There’s freedom. I suppose I ought to be grateful for freedom, especially today.

Can’t forget stuff. I have some awfully nice stuff.

And abundance. Plenty keeps coming my way – just about what I need, when I need it.

I appreciate the spiritual teachings I keep encountering. They feed my soul. I like that.

I’m thankful for hope, peace, and joy.

I’m grateful for talents and the opportunity to share them today.

Now that I think of it, I guess this is what Joyce meant when she suggested we write a daily gratitude list. I’m grateful for that! Thanks, Rev. J!

Gratitude

2006-07-03T16:39:00.000-07:00

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

I just think Rog’s idea of a “wedding tax” (re: yesterday’s blog) is so creative, novel, and... true!

There is this assumption –and society has created it and grown it- that every woman who plans to marry is to have a fairy tale wedding and her parents are to foot the bill even if it means they will be forced into bankruptcy to pull it off. And, you know, the groom’s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner, and on and on it goes with all the other rules of etiquette and expectations. The wedding becomes a whole production, literally a show (and many, a circus).

This sure makes me feel uncomfortable. It appears that as soon as the engagement is in place, then it’s off to the races with planning the wedding, pulling out all the stops, and focusing on money, money, money.

It seems to me that one of the things that is greatly missing once the ball gets rollin’ is gratitude.

Instead of assumptions, expectations, and self-centeredness, I vote for gratitude and open communication. Gratitude that your parents are in your life, love you, and perhaps would like to help you out in some way with the planning of this big event. It doesn’t even have to be in the way of money – now how’s that for a novel idea?! I’ve been duly noted as “An Unusual Woman” (my former www.match.com handle) and the aforementioned idea qualifies me once again!

Help is a way of showing one cares and comes in many forms. Planning a wedding is a wonderful venue for receiving gifts of help (not just money) to express one’s love. And, in turn, to express gratitude and appreciation.

All I’m suggesting is to think about what’s important and act on it.

Writing a gratitude list is a way to get back to center and remember what is truly important in life. It is a way to feel at peace and connect with Spirit. And, as the opening quote notes, gratitude is the parent virtue of all others. That means with gratitude in one’s heart it is so much easier to feel the joy that’s there too.

Taxation Without Representation

2006-07-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

In the 1770s, these words incited a war. The idea that we colonists were forced to hand over a chunk of our hard-earned income for uses over which we had no say so angered us that we risked losing everything by declaring our independence.

Even today we don’t mind paying taxes as much as we mind our government spending foolishly.

It became intolerable when the King of England began flaunting his right to levy taxes and scoffed at the idea that he even listen to colonists’ ideas about how tax revenues were spent.

Brides, I think some of you are doing this to your parents.

Yep, you’re assessing the wedding tax, which you intend to spend without their representation. And, you’re flaunting your right to levy the tax and refusing to hear their ideas about how wedding tax revenues are spent.

It’s a difficult situation for everyone. It can lead to war. And you know what I’m talking about.

As a peace maker, I’m here today to tell you that war can be avoided. The King of England intended to bleed the colonies of resources to the greatest extent possible. Show me the money! He was in it for himself, without concern for his subjects. You can learn from his mistake.

Brides, your goal is not the biggest, most expensive wedding you can get out of your parents. Your goal is the most joyful wedding you can create.

Think about it. Once you Choose Joy for Your Wedding, the resources support that. Once you Choose Joy for Your Wedding, you can probably get your parents to support that too – most parents truly desire a joyful wedding for their kids.

With everyone pointed in the same direction, towards joy, you’ll want input from your parents about how to create a joyful wedding. You’ll want to know what makes a wedding joyful for them, and they’ll want to know what makes a wedding joyful for you.

At this point, taxation without representation begins to transform into a gift. How does that sound?

Always Back to Joy...

2006-07-01T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today we went to visit the locale at which one of our couples will be holding their wedding. The natural beauty of the place was so peaceful and serene. That was mirrored by the couple and their family members. Even some divorced parents, one in attendance with their new partner, were genuinely friendly toward one another and overflowing with joy for their children.

Peaceful?... Serene?... Joyful? This is a wedding being planned, isn’t it?!

Yep, and it’s so thrilling to see folks going through the planning in such a manner. They clearly know it’s about their love and the people who love them. Yes, they discussed the timetable, photo op locations, and the lighting in the reception area. But they didn’t get overly preoccupied with the myriad of details. They just kept returning back to the reason for the event and the love in their hearts. They just kept returning back to their joy.

Administration Day

2006-06-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

That’s what I label every Friday. I dutifully make a list of things-to-do that support the real work I do the rest of the week. The list includes desktop management, filing, banking, backing up the computer – you know, the really fun stuff.

Trouble is, I always seem to find something else to do on Fridays.

Today, I administered to myself. I took a nap. I visited the chiropractor. I read some inspirational stuff. I took another nap. I had lunch with my honey.

I guess maybe it’s more important sometimes to minister to myself than to minister to my papers.

Are you ministering to yourself? I knew I was in trouble when twice I responded to Joyce in a way that demonstrated a little edge – a little irritability – a little impatience. I knew I was out of whack – off track.

How are you doing today? Are you responding to your loved ones in a way that makes you happy? Are you demonstrating joy?

We’re coming up on a holiday weekend. Maybe you can find a little time in there to minister to yourself. Take a nap. Smell the coffee. Give someone a big hug. And while you’re at it, clean up that desk!

You Shall Not Want...

2006-06-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning Rog read some of Florence Scovel Shinn’s work and what stuck in his mind was the statement “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.”

This was most apropos for us as we’d been discussing financial concerns and abundance for the last few days. We both get it that God is our source and is really the only source, the only security we have in this world. We were both grateful for the reminder.

Material goods are not what really make us secure or happy, although they’re quite nice to have. So I find the Psalm (23 - KJV) quite comforting. “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.” God is with me and taking care of me – always, in all ways.

So it is with your wedding. You shall not want. God has in mind the most beautiful, joyous event for you. It’s not about a $100,000 tab with all the bells and whistles and putting on a show for others. It’s about expressing your love and commitment to one another witnessed by those dear to you.

You may wear a Vera Wang gown or a simple cotton sundress. Your guests may eat filet mignon or pizza. The music may be provided by a 10-piece band or your cousin Vinny spinning CDs. It really doesn’t matter.

Your wedding is really about the joy inherent in you, your guests, and this awesome milestone in your life. God will be with you throughout... and you shall not want.

A Grey Day?

2006-06-28T05:13:00.000-07:00

They all used to look grey to me. Not in the sense that Chicago winters do, when it feels like there’s an endless grey dome overhead. No, I mean shades of grey.

I used to hate true-false tests because it seemed I could build a case for both sides of the argument. Sometimes, for fun, I did just that.

A metaphor I used for relativism was that for any two points in the universe (ideas), there’s a point to stand where, looking at them, they line up and become one.

I had a lot of trouble dealing with people who see everything as black or white.

These days, I’m not so sure. I find myself saying that, at any moment, we’re either in a state of love or a state of fear. Sure, there are lots of varieties of fear, such as anger, frustration, guilt, shame, and so on. And lots of varieties of love, such as happiness, peace, contentment, and my favorite, joy. But, you’re always in one or the other: love or fear.

I find that challenging as much as it is reassuring. Challenging because I can’t hide out in the grey. Reassuring because it’s so simple and direct.

It’s not a grey day. Come out of the darkness and into the light!

Choosing Joy dot Gov

2006-06-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

I made a presentation to government workers downtown during lunch today. They need a little joy at work and they’re eager to learn how.

I started off talking about shoveling snow, which definitely broke the ice! We closed our eyes and imagined being out on a snowy night, in the moonlight. We felt the stillness and listened to our breath as we shoveled to the rhythm of a song playing in our head. Then we took a moment to enjoy a job well done before heading inside for a cup of hot chocolate.

As we awoke from that dream into this, I tried to reinforce a few key points.

First, joy isn’t external to us; it’s on the inside. We don’t need the actual snow. We can recreate joyful moments whenever we need them. What we create or recreate in our minds shows up in our bodies just as it would if we were having the experience. Try imagining biting down on a lemon and see what happens!

Second, joy can be found in anything we do. Even in shoveling snow – and keep in mind that, living in Phoenix, when it gets over 115 outside, we’re constantly hearing “but at least I don’t have to shovel snow.” If you’re having trouble seeing joy, look again. It’s in there.

And finally, by practicing reconnecting with joy from the past, we’re strengthening the connections in our brain that help us see joy around us. It’s just like when we buy a new car and suddenly notice how many of them are on the road. The more we work with joy, the more we see it around us.

It all seems so simple. So, let’s try it – like now!

Major Discombobulation

2006-06-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

This morning, my nose got a little out of control. Pretty soon, my sinuses began to ache. Then my whole head just seemed to blow up. I couldn’t see straight or think straight. I didn’t want to be in my body at all.

One business meeting later, I was getting knocked around by our chiropractor. He took great care of me and I felt better. Not quite human, but better.

Arriving at our office, I noticed our air conditioner was blowing warm air. So I started to sweat. It was only 88 inside; it was 106 outside.

I grabbed some lunch and ate way too many potato chips. Time for a Coke to wake me up. By the time the a/c was fixed and I made it home through traffic, I was ready for a nap. Shut down the entire machine and regroup.

Two hours later, I was awakened with a kiss. Wasn’t there a fairy tale written about this? The scent of spaghetti sauce filled the air. I thought I was in heaven.

And, I was. After all this disorienting pain and discomfort, after battling an uncooperative body in an unrelenting environment, after abusing myself in the name of feeling better, it turned out that all it took was a nap and my honey to put me back together again and get me joyfully back on the road.

Some things are just so simple, sweet, and elegant; they just about make me want to cry when I think of them. Thanks, Honey, for all you do – this one’s for you!

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall…

2006-06-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

We’ve all heard about the idea that the world around us provides a mirror that tells us about ourselves. We see our attitudes reflected by our friends. We even love to see the similarity between people and their dogs.

Well, how about this little quote from A Course in Miracles: “The world you see but shows you how much joy you have allowed yourself to see in you, and to accept as yours.”

Pretty simple, in-your-face stuff. So, how is the world looking to you these days?

How much joy have you allowed yourself to see in you? Look again. It’s not really out there, in the circumstances. The circumstances aren’t the cause – they’re the effect. The joy is in you.

How have your decisions about joy been going this week? How are they going right now?

The real kicker is the last part. How much joy can you accept as yours? You do deserve it.

The Law of Attraction

2006-06-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

We attract that which is drawn onto us. It’s a powerful principle of the Universe.

Yesterday I spoke with someone who had inquired about our Writers’ Conversations. Well, it turns out that this gentleman and his fiancée are another couple of romantic soul mates who have a delightful “how we met” story. And their ideas about partnerships, marriage, and weddings sure do seem similar to Rog’s and mine. This man understood the angst and craziness that can infect the wedding planning process – he and his fiancée had both been married before – and was excited to hear about the wedding coaching Rog and I are engaged in. Here we have like attracting like. What fun!

And so it is in all areas of life -- and weddings are no exception. Like attracts like. If you set joy as your standard and exude your joyfulness, you will attract joyous persons and situations to the planning process and actual event. Heaven knows all engaged couples could use that!

Of all the photographers, florists, caterers, DJs, and myriad of other vendors you will encounter, you can attract the ones that are compatible with your needs and philosophy. If you ask for help from family and friends who really care about your joy, you will attract joyous help. The reading on your angst-o-meter will decrease and the reading on your joy-o-meter will increase.

Joy is contagious. Joy attracts joy.

And so it is.

Prioritizing

2006-06-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

Once again, Rog and I have embarked on yet another adventure, another dream. Or rather, one of them has come closer to fruition.

I am referring to our joint venture at BizWorks Studio, and its subsidiary, Conversation Point: Another School of Thought. Saturday marked the first major set of conversations held since the inception of the idea and the focus was “Writers’ Conversations: Beyond the Book.” We not only sponsored the event, but Rog and I participated in the conversations as well.

Now I’ve decided to move ahead on writing the story of my spiritual journey and the process of moving from non-Believer to Believer, one that is often not written about I was told. So where does that leave the writing of Rog’s and my book Choosing Joy For Your Wedding?

We have 20 million things that interest us and take up our time. I have a household to help run, family finances to administer, my individual business of The Computer Therapist (www.thecomputertherapist.net); the author support and admin arm of BizWorks Studio (www.BizWorksStudio.com) which includes helping to market Rog’s book Choosing Joy at Work (www.ChoosingJoyAtWork.com -- I think that’s enough web addresses!), volunteer work; familial relationships; friendships; and, more.

How do any of us accomplish all that we have placed in our plate? And, how do we do them without feeling harried but rather stay in the joy?

Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize.

I have to look at which people, places, and ‘things’ bring out the joy within me. One of the activities that moves my joy-o-meter upwards is helping others. So when all is said and done and all the lists are written, you’d have to figure that writing the book Choosing Joy For Your Wedding and helping couples actualize their joy as they plan their wedding are very high on the list. You’d be correct.

And, so it is in your life. With 20 million things to do, including your full-time job, some college classes, going to the fitness center, helping run a household, etc., etc., etc., you have an additional 20 million things to do related to your wedding! Oh, my.

You can hire a wedding planner to help you and you can write up tons of lists and prioritize. Just remember while you do this, that you’re not alone: you have people who love you and care for you and would jump at the chance of helping you; other professionals who are experts in their field who can ease the burden; and, you always have Spirit. So let your joy-o-meter help you prioritize all the wonderful things that are part of your life and this wedding event.

And, if you feel like you need some wisdom and guidance from people who followed their joy-o-meter on the road to their wedding event and continue to do so, keep Reverend Rog and me in mind. Learn more at – OK, one last website – www.ChoosingJoyForYourWedding.com.

You’ve got the perfect dress, gorgeous flowers, beautiful music...don’t forget the joy!

We’re here for you.

I Met a Healer on the Road

2006-06-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well, actually, in the parking lot. Quite unexpectedly. It wasn’t until after he had walked away that I realized what had happened.

How silly I felt, but it was too late to try to chase him down. What I did do was sit down on the curb and carefully replay our conversation, wincing at my foolishness as I tried to engage in small talk. Then I returned to my room and wrote out my notes of what he had told me.

Basically, he delivered three messages: don’t take anything seriously; the past is an illusion, eat better.

That was nearly a year ago and I haven’t forgotten those messages, even if I’m still struggling to implement them.

Strangely, eating better seems the toughest one for me. I just don’t seem to be able to get this one right. I know the past is an illusion – all we really have about the past is a bunch of stories. It’s interesting to observe these stories as they’re embellished over time, as they take a life of their own.

The most important is to refrain from taking anything seriously. That’s the one you probably need most today too as you plan your wedding. You know what they say: don’t sweat the small stuff – and it’s all small stuff!

Sweat

2006-06-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

No, that’s not sweet. There’s something about the end of a long, hot, productive day that makes me think of weddings. What’s up with that?

Maybe it’s the sweat rolling down my neck, like when I wear a tux. Maybe it’s that I just remembered this is my day to blog.

For those of you planning your wedding, do you get distracted like I did today? So distracted that you forget about your wedding for an entire day? And then it’s almost bedtime and you remember there was something important you were supposed to get done on it today?

It’s ok. Tomorrow is another day.

Do you wonder if your marriage will have these kinds of days too? Like you’re so busy you go an entire day without thinking about your partner?

That’s a scary thought. What could be more important than your partner? How could twenty million things, many clearly trivial, distract you from – separate you from your lover?

I don’t want to bring you down, so let’s take a moment and think about this. Can we tell a story about being distracted from our priorities that makes it ok? Can we tell a story about missing the point for an entire day that puts us in a position to forgive ourself?

Let’s say that stuff happens – that we all fall off the path and spend a little time lost in the woods. Let’s see if we can catch ourselves quickly whenever we become lost. And let’s forgive ourselves and jump right back on the path.

How do we know we’re back on the path? Look for the joy. When we feel the joy, we know we’re on track.

So, on a long, hot, productive day, when we discover that we’ve missed the point, don’t sweat it. Choose again. Choose joy!

Faith and Joy

2006-06-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

For me, faith is the belief that my Higher Power is always with me and I am always in His loving care.

Following the 12 Step way of life, I use the spiritual principles embodied in them (honesty, hope, courage, integrity, willingness, perseverance to name some of them) to take action in my life. Then, I leave the results to my Higher Power. When I do this, chances are I am “happy, joyous, and free.”

So it is with wedding planning. Rog and I had to take the actions to create the type of wedding and environment we desired – then we had to leave the results to Spirit.

Thing is, when you set the intention, know in advance that joy is your focus, and take action in accordance with it, Spirit easily comes through with wonderful results. Even beyond your wildest dreams. Our wedding – and marriage – is proof.

A Beautiful Day for a Wedding

2006-06-13T17:05:00.000-07:00

It’s 107 degrees in Phoenix at the moment, although the weather service says it feels like only 101. If someone is getting married around here today, I’m sure that’s good news!

My point is, even in an oven, there’s joy.

When I stepped outside today, it felt like I was entering a sauna. Which I like. It was a pleasant relief from the air conditioning. It made my muscles relax.

I was pleasantly surprised when I didn’t have to turn the a/c in my truck up to level four. Things cooled down quickly on three, and then I had to notch down first to two, and then finally to one when I got too cold.

Fortunately, almost everywhere I stopped today, there was a nice parking spot in the shade waiting for me.

You may be thinking that I’m just an eternal optimist. OK, maybe you’re right. I’d rather think that I’m choosing joy.

You see, I’ve made a decision not to let circumstances disrupt my peace. When you do that, it doesn’t make much difference how hot it gets.

Give It Up!

2006-06-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

At our book event at Auntie’s the other evening, one visitor spoke about giving up her job at a Fortune-100 company known for being a great place to work. Her job was making her crazy.

Another guest told about asking for a demotion in order to escape a crummy boss and a job in which he couldn’t contribute.

They both took substantial pay cuts as they walked away from security.

Why?

What they got out of the deal is joy. You could hear it in their voices and see it on their faces. They’re happy in their new jobs. They love – yes, love – their bosses and co-workers.

As you plan your wedding, sometimes it looks like you’ll have to give up a lot. Someone special can’t make it on your date. You have to accept vanilla cake instead of chocolate. You can only have four bridesmaids instead of the twenty-six you wanted.

Where will these decisions leave you?

Here’s the lesson: It’s your choice. As long as you end up with joy, you don’t give up anything.

Spirit and Joy

2006-06-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

I read this morning that “Joy is an inner gladness of the soul that I release into my life” [from Daily Word].

What this means to me is that joy is inherent in me, it is my birthright. If it is my birthright, then it is connected to The Source of that which I am, and joy and Source are inseparable. Joy is an energy that once released, is contagious.

Our wedding celebration brought together folks that brought us joy, connecting us to one another and to that which is The Source of us all. When we said our wedding vows, Rog and I strongly felt the presence and connection to Source and our joy was most evident. The energy of that joy was released and our guests beamed it back to us, and ‘round and ‘round it went. The reading on our joy-o-meter went off the charts!

I think one of the strongest experiences of feeling the combined presence of Spirit and the energy of joy is the wedding of two individuals who have chosen to be equal partners in life and to make joy their barometer as they plan their special event together – and their life.

All who are privy to being a part of this get the opportunity to increase the voltage on their joy-o-meter to the extreme. Who wouldn’t want that?!

One Stop Book Tour

2006-06-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

Joyce and I are enjoying the cool weather in Spokane, Washington on this first-ever book tour. I spoke last night at Auntie’s, one of the coolest independent bookstores ever.

Once again, Spirit was with me. Thank You, Spirit! Just before we were to begin, the Event Coordinator suggested a more intimate, conversational setting. That suited me fine!

I spoke about my book Choosing Joy at Work for about fifteen minutes and then led a truly wonderful conversation with the fifteen guests. We all shared our trials and tribulations with work, and supported each other not just with ideas and actions, but with hope.

The comments afterwards warmed my heart.

Best of all, my mom was there to see her son in action. I got goose bumps when she told me how proud she was of me. It wasn’t so much getting her approval – she’s a tough one sometimes. It was feeling that feeling a parent gets when their kid really shines. That’s a ten on the joy-o-meter!

By the way, that’s the same ten we’re shooting for at your wedding. Imagine how you will feel when you see the pride beaming from the hearts of your loved ones on your day as they experience YOU in action!

Best of all, you can bring those goose bumps back again and again as you recall this powerful memory of joy!

Joy From Strangers

2006-06-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Rog and I are traveling this week as he is set to give a talk on his book Choosing Joy at Work at Auntie’s in Spokane, where we’ll get to visit family and friends there as well.

Very early in the morning, we arrived at the airport parking lot and I set the intention of not rushing like a madwoman to catch the shuttle to the terminal. I kept to my intention, and as I rounded the bend schlepping my luggage, etc., I saw the driver had waited for us. I was impressed and thanked him. On board, I noticed that the bus was filled to capacity. Now I was touched -- the driver hadn’t worried that other passengers might be annoyed while he made a kindly gesture.

We stowed our suitcases up front and moved to a clearing in the rear. When we arrived at the terminal, I made my way to the front of the bus before Rog was able to and I retrieved our first suitcase. Before either Rog or I could get the second one, a man brought it off the bus with his own. Talk about thoughtfulness and kindness!

We boarded the crowded plane and Rog and I had to sit apart from one another. With the overhead compartments packed, I had to squeeze both my laptop and my attaché underneath the seat in front of me. My fellow passengers are either side of me were most patient and offered their advice as how best to arrange my items. Then, a man, from across the aisle, tells me there is some space in a nearby compartment. This was it: my soul moved into joy.

Connecting with people through their actions of kindness and thoughtfulness always gets to my heart and moves me to tears, tears of gratitude and joy. What a pleasure life is when interacting with such individuals. I am reminded of A Course in Miracles’ “... every encounter is a holy encounter.” I sure did feel that way this morning, full of joy and a sense of being loved and loving others. And, it was with strangers.

For whatever reason, it is a bit overwhelming - for me - when I experience such actions from strangers, but it is definitely joyful.

This led me to think of the thoughtfulness and kindness bestowed by the people I already know, and what joy they stir within me.

Be it from so-called strangers or those we already know, joy is just waiting to bubble up and overflow out of us and tickle others.

Imagine tapping into this joy energy and power from others as you move through your wedding process. That’s what we did, and the result was a marriage celebration full of thoughtfulness, kindness, joy, and love. And it too, was overwhelming and moved me to tears.

I wouldn’t have had it any other way.